this means something.

8/25/15

9 Things You Already Knew About Star Wars

1. Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's Father

Search your feelings, and the script; you know it to be true.

2. Hoth is Really, Really Cold

Did you know that Luke almost died in this frozen wasteland? That's kind of an important part of the plot.

3. Everyone Hates Jar Jar Binks

Everyone except for children, that is. Which is basically the same way everyone feels about the entire prequel trilogy. Lucas ruined prequels for everyone. Except children.

4. There's a New One Coming Out

Aren't you so excited about this one!? What do you think this bad guy is gonna be like? Is he gonna cut his own hand off with that lightsaber?

5. Yoda is Actually a Puppet in the Original Trilogy

And the guy who does his voice is the same guy who does Gonzo and Grover and Miss Piggy.

6. Star Wars Fans Have a Rivalry with Trekkies for Some Reason

Stop it. Just stop it. Can't we all live in galactic peace and harmony? Why does everything have to be a war?

7. Boba Fett is a Badass

And the thing he's most remembered for is being beat up and thrown into the Sarlaac pit.

8. The Star Wars Universe Includes Books and Video Games

Also, most of them no longer have any bearing on the Star Wars story at large. Well done, valiant authors!

9. Star Wars is Owned By Disney Now

It used to be that the franchise was not owned by a gigantic, sprawling empire that proudly features a huge, metallic globe in its property.

8/19/15

Man Proposes Conspiracy to Withhold Satisfaction from Complainers

In a press conference on Wednesday, Martin Bukowski revealed extensive research into seventy different technical support offices stating that many of the long, involved calls they received were all from the same people. Outliers from this statistic included people who called about a problem that was quickly and easily solved either by being fixed, refunded, or replaced.

Bukowski chose thirteen of the people who were involved in long, involved calls and found them to be constant complainers in everyday life whether they had received the wrong order at McDonald's, experienced back pain every morning, lost their parking space to another vehicle, or any number of a wide variety of difficult happenstances.

"It's not that these kinds of things never happen to other people," Bukowski explained, "it's just that these 13 people were the only ones who voiced complaints about it. The rest just took the hit and went on with their lives."

Bukowski went on to explain that complainers often called technical support offices for similar issues to everyone else, but ended up hitting various "dead ends" that no one else ever hit. He proposed that this was done willfully on the part of the technical support operatives and, possibly, everyone else who had ever given bad customer service to these complainers.

"It's part of a grand conspiracy," Bukowski said, "to harness the energy of these angry, uncomfortable people to feed their corporate masters and, in the process, teach them how futile their efforts are, making them docile and complicit, if depressed and disenfranchised, over time." He suggested that once a complainer has accepted the fact that they will never receive proper treatment, they stop interacting with humanity altogether, making life for the rest of the world more bearable.

Martin Bukowski's work will be peer reviewed and an official statement on its viability as a theory is expected to be released on Friday, providing none of the reviewers starts complaining that they have been unfairly represented within the study.

Yes, I know I'm ripping off the writing style of The Onion, that's kind of the point.

8/17/15

Local Karaoke Singer Forgets Words to "Sweet Caroline"

The sacred art of karaoke was disgraced last Friday when local artist, Reggie Wang, experienced a complete brain failure while on stage singing the most anticipated song of the evening, "Sweet Caroline."

Onlookers were excited to sing along with the man who was swaying and bobbing in a clearly drunken manner after the lyrics screen malfunctioned. "I kind of expected the verses to be a little off," explained one audience member, "No one knows those words, anyway. But when he got to the chorus, that's when the [expletive deleted] hit the fan."

Wang had been mumbling along incoherently to the words of the first verse before the music picked up and, according to witnesses, his face "went completely blank," and then "expressed horrified shock."

Unsignalled by the titular words of the song, audience members were caught off guard, and left in a drunken, confused stupor when it came time for them to join in and vocalize with the brass section. Investigators attribute this phenomenon to Pavlovian theory. "Ivan Pavlov," explained Dr. Richard Alvin, "conducted several tests in which he rang a bell that caused dogs to salivate since he had taught them that they got fed when the bell rang. The bell in this case is the words 'sweet Caroline,' and the saliva is 'DAH DAH DAAAAHH!' Without the bell, there was no saliva."

The music continued, but by the end of the instrumentation, half the karaoke bar's patronage had left, and the rest had started conversations with other patrons about how Neil Diamond was rolling in his grave. Karaoke that night was reported to be not so good. So good. So good. So good.

Yes, I know I'm ripping off the writing style of The Onion, that's kind of the point.

8/11/15

Idiot Journalist Completely Misrepresents Google Restructuring

In an article about the restructuring of Internet giant, Google, into a parent company, Alphabet, with Google its child, Internet "journalist" and frequent 4chan commenter, John Tolish, remarked that Google was "out of ideas," and "about to die."

As you may have already heard, Larry Page and Sergey Brin, former CEOs of Google, started a new parent company, Alphabet, with an eye toward expanding their reach beyond what Google's core mission could provide. Essentially, Google remains untouched, it just has a new daddy.

What fingernail biter, John Tolish, failed to understand was that this restructuring has minimal impact on the day-to-day business of Google, rather it allows Page and Brin to invest in a vast variety of projects, including Google.

When reached for comment, Tolish avoided the first two calls and then answered the third time with an exasperated sigh. "Look," he said, "the Internet runs at a fast pace. I had to get my article out quick. I may have overlooked a few details. Leave me alone."

Spectators are wondering whether Tolish will continue to call himself a journalist, or if he will disappear into his room and play League of Legends for the rest of his life.

Yes, I know I'm ripping off the writing style of The Onion, that's kind of the point.

8/9/15

Local Woman Asks for Juicy Details of Best Friend's Breakup

Waiting on her cell phone to receive the last bit of details involved in a recent relational discontinuation, local woman, Betsy Riley, danced with anticipation admitting that hearing about the event that shattered best friend, Laura Bitterman, was almost as fun as experiencing it herself.

"Call me a hopeless romantic," Riley said between biting the end of a pen through her smile, "but I just can't get enough of the truly essential parts of a good romance story! The first kiss, the first night over, the wedding plans, the eventual breakup; it's a smorgasbord of emotions!"

Recent studies have suggested that Betsy Riley is sustained by the emotions of others as she is unable to produce these feelings in herself. "It's not uncommon," a researcher from Florida State University said, "for some people to grow an attachment to their friends and ask for details about their life because they genuinely care about their friends' well-being. In Miss Riley's case, however, it's widely believed that she's just being a bitch."

Laura Bitterman was unavailable for comment as she was sobbing incoherently into her cell phone receiver.

Yes, I know I'm ripping off the writing style of The Onion, that's kind of the point.

7/24/15

Man Keeps Lights Off While Girlfriend Away

Sitting on his IKEA couch that was as black as the room around him, Jason Donovan, a 33-year-old car wash salesman, claimed to have been struck with the idea of saving money on electricity during the interim moments while his girlfriend, 26-year-old Julie Nygard, stayed at her parent's place to "work some things out."

"I don't think it's depressing at all," Jason said, before he threw back the last swig of beer in the bottle he had been nursing and deftly opened a third one. "With all the little LEDs from the electronics around it kinda reminds me of Christmas."

Jason remains in complete denial that his relationship is in a downward spiral and that the darkness of his home is a reflection of his subconscious feelings. "It's all going to work out," he assured researchers, "and while it does, I don't mind keeping it dark in here. It's both relaxing and cool."

Sources close to the couple claim that Donovan's relationship with Julie Nygard had been on the rocks for at least the past month when Nygard confided that she had gotten back in contact with one of her ex-boyfriends. "I'm not saying they're hooking up physically," sources conjectured, "but emotionally? Now, that's a whole 'nother (sic) thing..."

Meanwhile, Donovan remains convinced that a 30-60 cent decrease in his electric bill is worth the possibility of tripping over the errant shoe and the comfort of not having to look at things that remind him of Nygard.

Yes, I know I'm ripping off the writing style of The Onion, that's kind of the point.

3/3/15

Spock is Not Dead

Art by Richard67915
It's taken a while to compose myself. Leonard Nimoy passed away Friday... I watched The Wrath of Khan that night and bawled my eyes out. I wore a black shirt and blue Star Trek socks the next day to mourn, and all the while read posts from regular fans and celebrities alike that remembered the man who brought us the first and arguably the best Vulcan that ever existed. Mr. Nimoy was responsible for many different pieces of art including roles in non-Trek movies and a wonderful photography career.

2/20/15

Variables Make Life Work

Should I do it?

For the vast majority of my life I had been paralyzed by a fear of trying anything new. I think it might have been partially due to the fact that I moved around so much. I lived in so many different places that I needed some kind of grounding; something constant. Don't make me eat Chinese food, I've had macaroni and cheese my whole life and I'm not about to stop! That all changed when I started to set down roots in the Tampa Bay area. I realized I was missing a lot, so I branched out. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. But sometimes I'm still plagued by insecurity when I get a great new idea. Is it really that great? Am I missing something that's gonna screw someone else down the line if I change the status quo? It's taken me a while, but I'm getting quicker and quicker at saying Yes. Yes, I should do it.

1/11/15

The Kirk vs. Picard Conundrum

No. Just no. No more. Do not do this anymore. Do not try to lift one character up at the expense of another. You have a favorite captain? That's great. Go and love your captain with all your heart. But don't make it sound like the other one sucks just because you like the other. When you start to take sides, a false dichotomy appears which applies to so many other things in life besides starship captains. So when I say "don't fight about captains," I really mean, "don't give in to tribalism."

11/4/14

Sssssstickers!

So, if you know me IRL, you probably have a Green Asterisk sticker. In fact, there are several people who have my sticker who haven't even met me. I've been using it like a business card, too! It looks a lot like that picture over there. If you're familiar with Sticker Mule, you know that they've been providing stickers to people with orders of stacks at a time. Well, they just started up a Marketplace where people can make their stickers available to buy one at a time! So, if you feel like you really need a Green Asterisk sticker, you can get one right here. I mean, if you want to. Not like I'm pressuring you into it, or anything. It would just be really cool, ya know? Like we'd have a connection.

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