9/19/16

Green Onion: REPORT: Different People Have Different Experiences

In a study released today by Leading Researchers, scientists have concluded that there are as many different configurations of life events as there are lives in the world. Further, they have extrapolated and confirmed that reacting with shock to the discovery that someone has not seen one's favorite movie, read one's favorite book, played one's favorite video game, etc. is more of a reflection on the shocked party's failure to understand statistical probability than on the other party's lack of culture.

9/16/16

Green Onion: Ape Counsel Grants Harambe Full Sainthood

Following the death of the beloved gorilla, Harambe, many apes were left reeling at the decision by the Ape Counsel to stay the execution of the human responsible. Although the Ape Counsel remains unmoved on this decision, it has decided to grant sainthood to Harambe due to his many good works in the Ape community.

9/14/16

Green Onion: Intradimensional Nazis Pleased with State of American Politics

In an alternate universe where Hitler's Third Reich won World War II, it took almost a century to perfect intradimensional travel. With an eye toward spreading the Nazi agenda across the multiverse, Nazi scientists visited our universe first and were pleased to find that, although they hadn't won the War, their agenda is alive and well.

8/30/16

How To Make a Genuine Connection With a Woman Without Being a Douchenozzle


Okay, straight guys, I get it. You want to be with a woman. It's a biological imperative, or whatever. And you look at your peer who seems to have a new woman each week and think "Why can't I be as cool as he is?" Well, here are a couple reasons: 1) You have this cool thing called empathy. 2) He is not cool. He treats women like a level in a video game that's only good for one play-through. Once he's completed that level, he's on to the next. He is a douchenozzle.

6/17/16

What's the ROI of Your Mom?

It was never my intention to stumble into the land of entrepreneurs with their buzzwords and business-speak and general parroting, but here I am, composing tweets for the likes of Cisco and local networking events. While hanging out with these business-minded people, I often get a glimpse into what they think about various marketing efforts, what they're good for, and how to do them. The thing that pops up again and again is "ROI," usually pronounced "Roy," which stands for Return On Investment. It makes sense to be mindful of the numbers that report on ROI. You don't want your efforts to be wasted. You put a dollar in, you should get at least a dollar and a penny out, or else you'll go bankrupt. But these people talk about it like it's an obsession. Like it's all a numbers game that they can win if they just put the right digits in the right order. It's the kind of single-minded dedication I've only seen in one other place: World of Warcraft.

2/28/16

Green Onion: New Marketing Strategy Employs Reverse Psychology on Millennials

It was just another article in the New York Times in which a Baby Boomer stumbled clumsily over the motivations of the Millennial generation like John Travolta holding a coat in Pulp Fiction. The article suggested that, according to the results of a 2015 report by Mintel, Millennials aren't buying cereal anymore because it's too much work; cleaning up after cereal (e.g., rinsing out the bowl and throwing it in the sink) is such a hassle.

2/18/16

Green Onion: Tim Cook Forgets Password, Installs New OS to Decrypt MacBook

SUNNYVALE, CA -- In a tech world-shattering decision on Wednesday, Tim Cook opened his MacBook Pro and couldn't for the life of him remember what his password was. He then ordered Apple technicians to create a new MacOS version that bypasses the encryption and data wiping features of the MacBook Pro so that he could get into his computer and retrieve his data.

11/9/15

Green Onion: Graphic Designers Outraged at Starbucks's Minimalistic Holiday Cup Design

SEATTLE, WA -- On November 1st, Starbucks introduced a new line of holiday cups that have people seeing red. And that's it. Just red.

Aside from the regular Starbucks Logo and a registered trademark notation, these cups have no mention of or reference to Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, or any other seasonal holiday. And some graphic designers have expressed fatigue with the tired design choice.

10/30/15

Green Onion: Local Man Uses Social Media to Update Friends on Progress and Quality of Day

LITTLEROCK, IL -- They wait with bated breath as they hit refresh on their Facebook feeds.

Friends of local man, Brian Talbot, have been begging for more information since he posted a message at 10:43 am saying "Today has been good so far. We'll see if that continues to be the case. My work load may or may not double."

10/5/15

Green Onion: Duck Sues Disney World for Performance Income

ORLANDO, FL -- According to a duck's legal representative, the duck has been performing for five years in Disney World's Epcot Center and has seen little more than scraps of bread from guests as compensation. The duck regularly entertains guests as a pre-show warmup to the nightly IllumiNations fireworks show. He and his wife allegedly bring home barely enough scrap food for them and their five ducklings to survive.