this means something.


Duck Sues Disney World for Performance Income

ORLANDO, FL -- According to a duck's legal representative, the duck has been performing for five years in Disney World's Epcot Center and has seen little more than scraps of bread from guests as compensation. The duck regularly entertains guests as a pre-show warmup to the nightly IllumiNations fireworks show. He and his wife allegedly bring home barely enough scrap food for them and their five ducklings to survive.

"The fact is that the Disney company has been benefiting from this duck's talent for years without giving any second thought to compensation," said the duck's lawyer, "It's my understanding that they believed the scraps of food he was receiving were enough, but that is hardly a livable wage."

A spokesperson for the Walt Disney Company maintained that they do not hire ducks for pre-show warmups. "No contract was signed, there was no hiring process. You can't just show up at Disney World, waddle around for a few hours and expect to be paid."

"Now we really have a case," the duck's lawyer responded, "As we all know, cartoons were originally pre-show warmups to feature films. Disney has employed a duck in this capacity for well over 80 years."

According to the duck's legal representative, he should be entitled to up to $14,000 in back payments and $12 per hour moving forward.


Local Man Declines to Look at What He Stepped On

HOLLYWOOD, FL -- Maintaining a veneer of apathy, Florida resident, Brett Bartow, said yesterday that he believed he might have stepped on something, but declined to see what it was.

"It felt kind of squishy," he said, rubbing his shoe against the ground, "It might be something gross. I hope it wasn't living, like a lizard or something. I'd just rather not know."

Bartow last purchased a new pair of shoes in 2010 when his last pair started tearing around the heel. His plan was to wait another couple of months before purchasing a new pair, but recent events may have convinced him to push up that deadline.

Witnesses say they were unable to confirm that he had actually stepped on something, leading speculators to believe that he had carried it away with him.

"It's really disheartening," Bartow said of the incident, "I loved these shoes with all of my sole."

Yes, I know I'm ripping off the writing style of The Onion, that's kind of the point.


Local Man Unable to Decide How to Address Women

NOVELTY, WA -- Edward Vonn was struck the other day by a realization he never thought he would have to face. While recounting a story about meeting Jane Randall to his friends, he was unable to think of an appropriate noun by which to address her.

"'Woman' sounds so formal," he explained, "as if we were having a business meeting and she was older, but we weren't; it was just a simple coffee date and she was 25. 'Lady' sounds even more formal than that; as if she's some old-style rich aristocrat. But I can't call her 'girl,' because that's, like, degrading, or something, right? It's 'infantilization,' that's the word. And 'chick,' while appropriately casual, is dangerously objectifying. I just don't know."

Vonn went on to explain that his circle of female friends have been teaching him a lot about feminism and the oppression that women have been facing due to a variety of institutionalized behaviors such as the words men use to refer to them.

These friends were not available for comment.

Despite being confused about the proper word to use, Vonn remained confident in one choice he would never use. "Female. I can barely even get the word out of my mouth. I'm not going to talk about a woman or lady or girl or whatever and sound like a Ferengi. I just can't do it."

Yes, I know I'm ripping off the writing style of The Onion, that's kind of the point.


The Top 5 Most Highly Anticipated Movies According to This Guy

All of these "highly anticipated" movie claims often leave us wondering "highly anticipated by whom?" Well, we went right to the source of the American public and asked local Publix employee, Jeremy Harder, what movies he's looking forward to in 2016, and this is what he had to say.

5. Dirty Grampa

"I heard about this movie from my friend Jonathan. He said it's about a dirty old man played by that guy on [It's] Always Sunny [in Philadelphia] visiting Florida on vacation with Zac Effron. It should be really funny."

4. Ratchet and Clank

"I loved playing this game when I was a kid! I'm so stoked that they're going to make a movie out of it!"

3. Henchmen

"Like, haven't you ever wondered what it would be like to be a bad guy's henchman? I dunno, I just really love Minions, so this should be kinda similar, right?"

2. Zoolander 2

"My brother, Randy, recently showed me the first one and I really liked it. I'm excited to see where they can go with a second one."

1. Doctor Strange

"Benedict Cumberbatch is my hero! I will watch anything with him in it! I haven't even read the comics, but I don't care. This movie is going to be amazing!"

Harder reportedly highly anticipates many things besides just movies. For example, he highly anticipates getting a girlfriend soon, entering college, and eventually starting a career as a famous Hollywood director. More on those stories as they develop.


9 Things You Already Knew About Star Wars

1. Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's Father

Search your feelings, and the script; you know it to be true.

2. Hoth is Really, Really Cold

Did you know that Luke almost died in this frozen wasteland? That's kind of an important part of the plot.

3. Everyone Hates Jar Jar Binks

Everyone except for children, that is. Which is basically the same way everyone feels about the entire prequel trilogy. Lucas ruined prequels for everyone. Except children.

4. There's a New One Coming Out

Aren't you so excited about this one!? What do you think this bad guy is gonna be like? Is he gonna cut his own hand off with that lightsaber?

5. Yoda is Actually a Puppet in the Original Trilogy

And the guy who does his voice is the same guy who does Gonzo and Grover and Miss Piggy.

6. Star Wars Fans Have a Rivalry with Trekkies for Some Reason

Stop it. Just stop it. Can't we all live in galactic peace and harmony? Why does everything have to be a war?

7. Boba Fett is a Badass

And the thing he's most remembered for is being beat up and thrown into the Sarlaac pit.

8. The Star Wars Universe Includes Books and Video Games

Also, most of them no longer have any bearing on the Star Wars story at large. Well done, valiant authors!

9. Star Wars is Owned By Disney Now

It used to be that the franchise was not owned by a gigantic, sprawling empire that proudly features a huge, metallic globe in its property.


Man Proposes Conspiracy to Withhold Satisfaction from Complainers

In a press conference on Wednesday, Martin Bukowski revealed extensive research into seventy different technical support offices stating that many of the long, involved calls they received were all from the same people. Outliers from this statistic included people who called about a problem that was quickly and easily solved either by being fixed, refunded, or replaced.

Bukowski chose thirteen of the people who were involved in long, involved calls and found them to be constant complainers in everyday life whether they had received the wrong order at McDonald's, experienced back pain every morning, lost their parking space to another vehicle, or any number of a wide variety of difficult happenstances.

"It's not that these kinds of things never happen to other people," Bukowski explained, "it's just that these 13 people were the only ones who voiced complaints about it. The rest just took the hit and went on with their lives."

Bukowski went on to explain that complainers often called technical support offices for similar issues to everyone else, but ended up hitting various "dead ends" that no one else ever hit. He proposed that this was done willfully on the part of the technical support operatives and, possibly, everyone else who had ever given bad customer service to these complainers.

"It's part of a grand conspiracy," Bukowski said, "to harness the energy of these angry, uncomfortable people to feed their corporate masters and, in the process, teach them how futile their efforts are, making them docile and complicit, if depressed and disenfranchised, over time." He suggested that once a complainer has accepted the fact that they will never receive proper treatment, they stop interacting with humanity altogether, making life for the rest of the world more bearable.

Martin Bukowski's work will be peer reviewed and an official statement on its viability as a theory is expected to be released on Friday, providing none of the reviewers starts complaining that they have been unfairly represented within the study.

Yes, I know I'm ripping off the writing style of The Onion, that's kind of the point.


Local Karaoke Singer Forgets Words to "Sweet Caroline"

The sacred art of karaoke was disgraced last Friday when local artist, Reggie Wang, experienced a complete brain failure while on stage singing the most anticipated song of the evening, "Sweet Caroline."

Onlookers were excited to sing along with the man who was swaying and bobbing in a clearly drunken manner after the lyrics screen malfunctioned. "I kind of expected the verses to be a little off," explained one audience member, "No one knows those words, anyway. But when he got to the chorus, that's when the [expletive deleted] hit the fan."

Wang had been mumbling along incoherently to the words of the first verse before the music picked up and, according to witnesses, his face "went completely blank," and then "expressed horrified shock."

Unsignalled by the titular words of the song, audience members were caught off guard, and left in a drunken, confused stupor when it came time for them to join in and vocalize with the brass section. Investigators attribute this phenomenon to Pavlovian theory. "Ivan Pavlov," explained Dr. Richard Alvin, "conducted several tests in which he rang a bell that caused dogs to salivate since he had taught them that they got fed when the bell rang. The bell in this case is the words 'sweet Caroline,' and the saliva is 'DAH DAH DAAAAHH!' Without the bell, there was no saliva."

The music continued, but by the end of the instrumentation, half the karaoke bar's patronage had left, and the rest had started conversations with other patrons about how Neil Diamond was rolling in his grave. Karaoke that night was reported to be not so good. So good. So good. So good.

Yes, I know I'm ripping off the writing style of The Onion, that's kind of the point.


Idiot Journalist Completely Misrepresents Google Restructuring

In an article about the restructuring of Internet giant, Google, into a parent company, Alphabet, with Google its child, Internet "journalist" and frequent 4chan commenter, John Tolish, remarked that Google was "out of ideas," and "about to die."

As you may have already heard, Larry Page and Sergey Brin, former CEOs of Google, started a new parent company, Alphabet, with an eye toward expanding their reach beyond what Google's core mission could provide. Essentially, Google remains untouched, it just has a new daddy.

What fingernail biter, John Tolish, failed to understand was that this restructuring has minimal impact on the day-to-day business of Google, rather it allows Page and Brin to invest in a vast variety of projects, including Google.

When reached for comment, Tolish avoided the first two calls and then answered the third time with an exasperated sigh. "Look," he said, "the Internet runs at a fast pace. I had to get my article out quick. I may have overlooked a few details. Leave me alone."

Spectators are wondering whether Tolish will continue to call himself a journalist, or if he will disappear into his room and play League of Legends for the rest of his life.

Yes, I know I'm ripping off the writing style of The Onion, that's kind of the point.


Local Woman Asks for Juicy Details of Best Friend's Breakup

Waiting on her cell phone to receive the last bit of details involved in a recent relational discontinuation, local woman, Betsy Riley, danced with anticipation admitting that hearing about the event that shattered best friend, Laura Bitterman, was almost as fun as experiencing it herself.

"Call me a hopeless romantic," Riley said between biting the end of a pen through her smile, "but I just can't get enough of the truly essential parts of a good romance story! The first kiss, the first night over, the wedding plans, the eventual breakup; it's a smorgasbord of emotions!"

Recent studies have suggested that Betsy Riley is sustained by the emotions of others as she is unable to produce these feelings in herself. "It's not uncommon," a researcher from Florida State University said, "for some people to grow an attachment to their friends and ask for details about their life because they genuinely care about their friends' well-being. In Miss Riley's case, however, it's widely believed that she's just being a bitch."

Laura Bitterman was unavailable for comment as she was sobbing incoherently into her cell phone receiver.

Yes, I know I'm ripping off the writing style of The Onion, that's kind of the point.


Man Keeps Lights Off While Girlfriend Away

Sitting on his IKEA couch that was as black as the room around him, Jason Donovan, a 33-year-old car wash salesman, claimed to have been struck with the idea of saving money on electricity during the interim moments while his girlfriend, 26-year-old Julie Nygard, stayed at her parent's place to "work some things out."

"I don't think it's depressing at all," Jason said, before he threw back the last swig of beer in the bottle he had been nursing and deftly opened a third one. "With all the little LEDs from the electronics around it kinda reminds me of Christmas."

Jason remains in complete denial that his relationship is in a downward spiral and that the darkness of his home is a reflection of his subconscious feelings. "It's all going to work out," he assured researchers, "and while it does, I don't mind keeping it dark in here. It's both relaxing and cool."

Sources close to the couple claim that Donovan's relationship with Julie Nygard had been on the rocks for at least the past month when Nygard confided that she had gotten back in contact with one of her ex-boyfriends. "I'm not saying they're hooking up physically," sources conjectured, "but emotionally? Now, that's a whole 'nother (sic) thing..."

Meanwhile, Donovan remains convinced that a 30-60 cent decrease in his electric bill is worth the possibility of tripping over the errant shoe and the comfort of not having to look at things that remind him of Nygard.

Yes, I know I'm ripping off the writing style of The Onion, that's kind of the point.




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