this means something.


Graphic Designers Outraged at Starbucks's Minimalistic Holiday Cup Design

SEATTLE, WA -- On November 1st, Starbucks introduced a new line of holiday cups that have people seeing red. And that's it. Just red.

Aside from the regular Starbucks Logo and a registered trademark notation, these cups have no mention of or reference to Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, or any other seasonal holiday. And some graphic designers have expressed fatigue with the tired design choice.

"I think minimalism has come and gone," said Judy Chase of the Global Graphic Designers' Alliance, "Starbucks has always had fun and exciting designs in the past that expressed the joy and comfort of a nice hot cup of coffee on a cold winter's day, but these new designs are just stark and kind of angry. I really don't like them."

Judy isn't the only one who has expressed an angry opinion about the cups. In fact, a sizable group of her colleagues have started a petition asking Starbucks to hire real graphic designers, and not, as the petition states, "lazy, minimalistic Apple cultists."

When reached for comment, a spokesman from Starbucks wrote that the company "believes the cups express a toned-down happiness that fits as snugly in the holiday season as they do in your hand." He continued saying, "It's not the policy of Starbucks to change our designs based on the religiously fanatical complaints of a vocal minority."


Local Man Uses Social Media to Update Friends on Progress and Quality of Day

LITTLEROCK, IL -- They wait with bated breath as they hit refresh on their Facebook feeds.

Friends of local man, Brian Talbot, have been begging for more information since he posted a message at 10:43 am saying "Today has been good so far. We'll see if that continues to be the case. My work load may or may not double."
Friends of Talbot say that concern for his wellbeing is what keeps them at their computers during the work day. "He always posts something like 'Today is good,'" one of his friends says, "Which makes me think, well, maybe there's a possibility of something going horribly awry. What else could be the point of that kind of post? It's got me on edge!"

Dr. Rand Larson, a psychologist with the Chicago Institute for Social Media, has suggested these kinds of updates are usually little more than a cry for attention. "When the average user posts this kind of update on social media, it suggests he has no friends in the immediate vicinity or available via text message to talk to, so he is, in a sense, calling out to anyone who will listen."

In Brian's case, there are at least four friends listening. And they want more.

"Will his day remain good?" they ask, "Or will it crumble into shambles after his workload overtakes his ability to cope and forces him to reach unhealthy stress levels?"

More on this story as Talbot continues to report in.


Duck Sues Disney World for Performance Income

ORLANDO, FL -- According to a duck's legal representative, the duck has been performing for five years in Disney World's Epcot Center and has seen little more than scraps of bread from guests as compensation. The duck regularly entertains guests as a pre-show warmup to the nightly IllumiNations fireworks show. He and his wife allegedly bring home barely enough scrap food for them and their five ducklings to survive.

"The fact is that the Disney company has been benefiting from this duck's talent for years without giving any second thought to compensation," said the duck's lawyer, "It's my understanding that they believed the scraps of food he was receiving were enough, but that is hardly a livable wage."

A spokesperson for the Walt Disney Company maintained that they do not hire ducks for pre-show warmups. "No contract was signed, there was no hiring process. You can't just show up at Disney World, waddle around for a few hours and expect to be paid."

"Now we really have a case," the duck's lawyer responded, "As we all know, cartoons were originally pre-show warmups to feature films. Disney has employed a duck in this capacity for well over 80 years."

According to the duck's legal representative, he should be entitled to up to $14,000 in back payments and $12 per hour moving forward.


Local Man Declines to Look at What He Stepped On

HOLLYWOOD, FL -- Maintaining a veneer of apathy, Florida resident, Brett Bartow, said yesterday that he believed he might have stepped on something, but declined to see what it was.

"It felt kind of squishy," he said, rubbing his shoe against the ground, "It might be something gross. I hope it wasn't living, like a lizard or something. I'd just rather not know."

Bartow last purchased a new pair of shoes in 2010 when his last pair started tearing around the heel. His plan was to wait another couple of months before purchasing a new pair, but recent events may have convinced him to push up that deadline.

Witnesses say they were unable to confirm that he had actually stepped on something, leading speculators to believe that he had carried it away with him.

"It's really disheartening," Bartow said of the incident, "I loved these shoes with all of my sole."

Yes, I know I'm ripping off the writing style of The Onion, that's kind of the point.


Local Man Unable to Decide How to Address Women

NOVELTY, WA -- Edward Vonn was struck the other day by a realization he never thought he would have to face. While recounting a story about meeting Jane Randall to his friends, he was unable to think of an appropriate noun by which to address her.

"'Woman' sounds so formal," he explained, "as if we were having a business meeting and she was older, but we weren't; it was just a simple coffee date and she was 25. 'Lady' sounds even more formal than that; as if she's some old-style rich aristocrat. But I can't call her 'girl,' because that's, like, degrading, or something, right? It's 'infantilization,' that's the word. And 'chick,' while appropriately casual, is dangerously objectifying. I just don't know."

Vonn went on to explain that his circle of female friends have been teaching him a lot about feminism and the oppression that women have been facing due to a variety of institutionalized behaviors such as the words men use to refer to them.

These friends were not available for comment.

Despite being confused about the proper word to use, Vonn remained confident in one choice he would never use. "Female. I can barely even get the word out of my mouth. I'm not going to talk about a woman or lady or girl or whatever and sound like a Ferengi. I just can't do it."

Yes, I know I'm ripping off the writing style of The Onion, that's kind of the point.


The Top 5 Most Highly Anticipated Movies According to This Guy

All of these "highly anticipated" movie claims often leave us wondering "highly anticipated by whom?" Well, we went right to the source of the American public and asked local Publix employee, Jeremy Harder, what movies he's looking forward to in 2016, and this is what he had to say.

5. Dirty Grampa

"I heard about this movie from my friend Jonathan. He said it's about a dirty old man played by that guy on [It's] Always Sunny [in Philadelphia] visiting Florida on vacation with Zac Effron. It should be really funny."

4. Ratchet and Clank

"I loved playing this game when I was a kid! I'm so stoked that they're going to make a movie out of it!"

3. Henchmen

"Like, haven't you ever wondered what it would be like to be a bad guy's henchman? I dunno, I just really love Minions, so this should be kinda similar, right?"

2. Zoolander 2

"My brother, Randy, recently showed me the first one and I really liked it. I'm excited to see where they can go with a second one."

1. Doctor Strange

"Benedict Cumberbatch is my hero! I will watch anything with him in it! I haven't even read the comics, but I don't care. This movie is going to be amazing!"

Harder reportedly highly anticipates many things besides just movies. For example, he highly anticipates getting a girlfriend soon, entering college, and eventually starting a career as a famous Hollywood director. More on those stories as they develop.


9 Things You Already Knew About Star Wars

1. Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's Father

Search your feelings, and the script; you know it to be true.

2. Hoth is Really, Really Cold

Did you know that Luke almost died in this frozen wasteland? That's kind of an important part of the plot.

3. Everyone Hates Jar Jar Binks

Everyone except for children, that is. Which is basically the same way everyone feels about the entire prequel trilogy. Lucas ruined prequels for everyone. Except children.

4. There's a New One Coming Out

Aren't you so excited about this one!? What do you think this bad guy is gonna be like? Is he gonna cut his own hand off with that lightsaber?

5. Yoda is Actually a Puppet in the Original Trilogy

And the guy who does his voice is the same guy who does Gonzo and Grover and Miss Piggy.

6. Star Wars Fans Have a Rivalry with Trekkies for Some Reason

Stop it. Just stop it. Can't we all live in galactic peace and harmony? Why does everything have to be a war?

7. Boba Fett is a Badass

And the thing he's most remembered for is being beat up and thrown into the Sarlaac pit.

8. The Star Wars Universe Includes Books and Video Games

Also, most of them no longer have any bearing on the Star Wars story at large. Well done, valiant authors!

9. Star Wars is Owned By Disney Now

It used to be that the franchise was not owned by a gigantic, sprawling empire that proudly features a huge, metallic globe in its property.


Man Proposes Conspiracy to Withhold Satisfaction from Complainers

In a press conference on Wednesday, Martin Bukowski revealed extensive research into seventy different technical support offices stating that many of the long, involved calls they received were all from the same people. Outliers from this statistic included people who called about a problem that was quickly and easily solved either by being fixed, refunded, or replaced.

Bukowski chose thirteen of the people who were involved in long, involved calls and found them to be constant complainers in everyday life whether they had received the wrong order at McDonald's, experienced back pain every morning, lost their parking space to another vehicle, or any number of a wide variety of difficult happenstances.

"It's not that these kinds of things never happen to other people," Bukowski explained, "it's just that these 13 people were the only ones who voiced complaints about it. The rest just took the hit and went on with their lives."

Bukowski went on to explain that complainers often called technical support offices for similar issues to everyone else, but ended up hitting various "dead ends" that no one else ever hit. He proposed that this was done willfully on the part of the technical support operatives and, possibly, everyone else who had ever given bad customer service to these complainers.

"It's part of a grand conspiracy," Bukowski said, "to harness the energy of these angry, uncomfortable people to feed their corporate masters and, in the process, teach them how futile their efforts are, making them docile and complicit, if depressed and disenfranchised, over time." He suggested that once a complainer has accepted the fact that they will never receive proper treatment, they stop interacting with humanity altogether, making life for the rest of the world more bearable.

Martin Bukowski's work will be peer reviewed and an official statement on its viability as a theory is expected to be released on Friday, providing none of the reviewers starts complaining that they have been unfairly represented within the study.

Yes, I know I'm ripping off the writing style of The Onion, that's kind of the point.


Local Karaoke Singer Forgets Words to "Sweet Caroline"

The sacred art of karaoke was disgraced last Friday when local artist, Reggie Wang, experienced a complete brain failure while on stage singing the most anticipated song of the evening, "Sweet Caroline."

Onlookers were excited to sing along with the man who was swaying and bobbing in a clearly drunken manner after the lyrics screen malfunctioned. "I kind of expected the verses to be a little off," explained one audience member, "No one knows those words, anyway. But when he got to the chorus, that's when the [expletive deleted] hit the fan."

Wang had been mumbling along incoherently to the words of the first verse before the music picked up and, according to witnesses, his face "went completely blank," and then "expressed horrified shock."

Unsignalled by the titular words of the song, audience members were caught off guard, and left in a drunken, confused stupor when it came time for them to join in and vocalize with the brass section. Investigators attribute this phenomenon to Pavlovian theory. "Ivan Pavlov," explained Dr. Richard Alvin, "conducted several tests in which he rang a bell that caused dogs to salivate since he had taught them that they got fed when the bell rang. The bell in this case is the words 'sweet Caroline,' and the saliva is 'DAH DAH DAAAAHH!' Without the bell, there was no saliva."

The music continued, but by the end of the instrumentation, half the karaoke bar's patronage had left, and the rest had started conversations with other patrons about how Neil Diamond was rolling in his grave. Karaoke that night was reported to be not so good. So good. So good. So good.

Yes, I know I'm ripping off the writing style of The Onion, that's kind of the point.


Idiot Journalist Completely Misrepresents Google Restructuring

In an article about the restructuring of Internet giant, Google, into a parent company, Alphabet, with Google its child, Internet "journalist" and frequent 4chan commenter, John Tolish, remarked that Google was "out of ideas," and "about to die."

As you may have already heard, Larry Page and Sergey Brin, former CEOs of Google, started a new parent company, Alphabet, with an eye toward expanding their reach beyond what Google's core mission could provide. Essentially, Google remains untouched, it just has a new daddy.

What fingernail biter, John Tolish, failed to understand was that this restructuring has minimal impact on the day-to-day business of Google, rather it allows Page and Brin to invest in a vast variety of projects, including Google.

When reached for comment, Tolish avoided the first two calls and then answered the third time with an exasperated sigh. "Look," he said, "the Internet runs at a fast pace. I had to get my article out quick. I may have overlooked a few details. Leave me alone."

Spectators are wondering whether Tolish will continue to call himself a journalist, or if he will disappear into his room and play League of Legends for the rest of his life.

Yes, I know I'm ripping off the writing style of The Onion, that's kind of the point.




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