6/17/16

What's the ROI of Your Mom?

It was never my intention to stumble into the land of entrepreneurs with their buzzwords and business-speak and general parroting, but here I am, composing tweets for the likes of Cisco and local networking events. While hanging out with these business-minded people, I often get a glimpse into what they think about various marketing efforts, what they're good for, and how to do them. The thing that pops up again and again is "ROI," usually pronounced "Roy," which stands for Return On Investment. It makes sense to be mindful of the numbers that report on ROI. You don't want your efforts to be wasted. You put a dollar in, you should get at least a dollar and a penny out, or else you'll go bankrupt. But these people talk about it like it's an obsession. Like it's all a numbers game that they can win if they just put the right digits in the right order. It's the kind of single-minded dedication I've only seen in one other place: World of Warcraft.

2/28/16

New Marketing Strategy Employs Reverse Psychology on Millennials

It was just another article in the New York Times in which a Baby Boomer stumbled clumsily over the motivations of the Millennial generation like John Travolta holding a coat in Pulp Fiction. The article suggested that, according to the results of a 2015 report by Mintel, Millennials aren't buying cereal anymore because it's too much work; cleaning up after cereal (e.g., rinsing out the bowl and throwing it in the sink) is such a hassle.

2/18/16

Tim Cook Forgets Password, Installs New OS to Decrypt MacBook

SUNNYVALE, CA -- In a tech world-shattering decision on Wednesday, Tim Cook opened his MacBook Pro and couldn't for the life of him remember what his password was. He then ordered Apple technicians to create a new MacOS version that bypasses the encryption and data wiping features of the MacBook Pro so that he could get into his computer and retrieve his data.

11/9/15

Graphic Designers Outraged at Starbucks's Minimalistic Holiday Cup Design

SEATTLE, WA -- On November 1st, Starbucks introduced a new line of holiday cups that have people seeing red. And that's it. Just red.

Aside from the regular Starbucks Logo and a registered trademark notation, these cups have no mention of or reference to Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, or any other seasonal holiday. And some graphic designers have expressed fatigue with the tired design choice.

10/30/15

Local Man Uses Social Media to Update Friends on Progress and Quality of Day

LITTLEROCK, IL -- They wait with bated breath as they hit refresh on their Facebook feeds.

Friends of local man, Brian Talbot, have been begging for more information since he posted a message at 10:43 am saying "Today has been good so far. We'll see if that continues to be the case. My work load may or may not double."

10/5/15

Duck Sues Disney World for Performance Income

ORLANDO, FL -- According to a duck's legal representative, the duck has been performing for five years in Disney World's Epcot Center and has seen little more than scraps of bread from guests as compensation. The duck regularly entertains guests as a pre-show warmup to the nightly IllumiNations fireworks show. He and his wife allegedly bring home barely enough scrap food for them and their five ducklings to survive.

9/15/15

Local Man Declines to Look at What He Stepped On

HOLLYWOOD, FL -- Maintaining a veneer of apathy, Florida resident, Brett Bartow, said yesterday that he believed he might have stepped on something, but declined to see what it was.

"It felt kind of squishy," he said, rubbing his shoe against the ground, "It might be something gross. I hope it wasn't living, like a lizard or something. I'd just rather not know."

9/8/15

Local Man Unable to Decide How to Address Women

NOVELTY, WA -- Edward Vonn was struck the other day by a realization he never thought he would have to face. While recounting a story about meeting Jane Randall to his friends, he was unable to think of an appropriate noun by which to address her.

"'Woman' sounds so formal," he explained, "as if we were having a business meeting and she was older, but we weren't; it was just a simple coffee date and she was 25. 'Lady' sounds even more formal than that; as if she's some old-style rich aristocrat. But I can't call her 'girl,' because that's, like, degrading, or something, right? It's 'infantilization,' that's the word. And 'chick,' while appropriately casual, is dangerously objectifying. I just don't know."

9/1/15

The Top 5 Most Highly Anticipated Movies According to This Guy

All of these "highly anticipated" movie claims often leave us wondering "highly anticipated by whom?" Well, we went right to the source of the American public and asked local Publix employee, Jeremy Harder, what movies he's looking forward to in 2016, and this is what he had to say.

8/25/15

9 Things You Already Knew About Star Wars

1. Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's Father

Search your feelings, and the script; you know it to be true.