this means something.

2/28/16

New Marketing Strategy Employs Reverse Psychology on Millennials

It was just another article in the New York Times in which a Baby Boomer stumbled clumsily over the motivations of the Millennial generation like John Travolta holding a coat in Pulp Fiction. The article suggested that, according to the results of a 2015 report by Mintel, Millennials aren't buying cereal anymore because it's too much work; cleaning up after cereal (e.g., rinsing out the bowl and throwing it in the sink) is such a hassle.

Not long after the article was published, cereal manufacturers saw a spike in sales from Millennials. And this got marketing manager Tim Thurgood thinking: What if the secret to marketing to the generation that defies to be defined was to define their defiance?

"The cereal story was an excellent example," said Thurgood in an interview, "of reverse psychology and how it can be used in marketing. They took a simple premise, 'Millennials don't like cereal,' and because Millennials don't like being defined, they go out and buy cereal just to spite the article."

Thurgood is hoping to employ this method on a number of other things that Millennials don't like such as credit cards, cars, domestic beer, cable, and CostCo. The idea is to release an article detailing how much Millennials hate these things, get a few thinkpieces going about the article and annoy them into purchasing the thing that they hate because they've been called out on hating it.

"It's sure not to make life-long customers out of them," Thurgood admits, "but we're hoping once they have the product in their hands, they'll understand why it's important. At this point it's really just an experiment, anyway."

Thurgood and his company, Millennial Marketing, has pitched the idea to Ford and plans on running a few articles on specific Ford models to see whether sales of these models spike in the wake. He's confident that Millennials have enough money to go out and buy cars if they just get off their couches and do something useful for a change.

2/18/16

Tim Cook Forgets Password, Installs New OS to Decrypt MacBook

SUNNYVALE, CA -- In a tech world-shattering decision on Wednesday, Tim Cook opened his MacBook Pro and couldn't for the life of him remember what his password was. He then ordered Apple technicians to create a new MacOS version that bypasses the encryption and data wiping features of the MacBook Pro so that he could get into his computer and retrieve his data.

This came just hours after he released a statement denying the FBI similar capabilities for the iPhone of the suspect in the San Bernardino shootings.

"This is completely different," Cook said in a statement to the press, "This is a MacBook Pro. The FBI were trying to look into an iPhone. Two completely different devices."

He continued the statement saying that he thought he had written his password down somewhere, but couldn't find it. "I think it was on a sticky note or something... like a yellow one... It's possible I wrote it in a document on my computer, which, in hindsight, was stupid."

Analysts speculated that Cook's forgetfulness was part of a vast FBI conspiracy to warm him to the idea of decrypting the San Bernardino suspect's iPhone. They claim that mind-wiping technology was involved, which is much more sophisticated technology than an iPhone. There was no response when questioned why they had mind-wiping technology, but not iPhone decryption technology.

11/9/15

Graphic Designers Outraged at Starbucks's Minimalistic Holiday Cup Design

SEATTLE, WA -- On November 1st, Starbucks introduced a new line of holiday cups that have people seeing red. And that's it. Just red.

Aside from the regular Starbucks Logo and a registered trademark notation, these cups have no mention of or reference to Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, or any other seasonal holiday. And some graphic designers have expressed fatigue with the tired design choice.

"I think minimalism has come and gone," said Judy Chase of the Global Graphic Designers' Alliance, "Starbucks has always had fun and exciting designs in the past that expressed the joy and comfort of a nice hot cup of coffee on a cold winter's day, but these new designs are just stark and kind of angry. I really don't like them."

Judy isn't the only one who has expressed an angry opinion about the cups. In fact, a sizable group of her colleagues have started a petition asking Starbucks to hire real graphic designers, and not, as the petition states, "lazy, minimalistic Apple cultists."

When reached for comment, a spokesman from Starbucks wrote that the company "believes the cups express a toned-down happiness that fits as snugly in the holiday season as they do in your hand." He continued saying, "It's not the policy of Starbucks to change our designs based on the religiously fanatical complaints of a vocal minority."

10/30/15

Local Man Uses Social Media to Update Friends on Progress and Quality of Day

LITTLEROCK, IL -- They wait with bated breath as they hit refresh on their Facebook feeds.

Friends of local man, Brian Talbot, have been begging for more information since he posted a message at 10:43 am saying "Today has been good so far. We'll see if that continues to be the case. My work load may or may not double."
Friends of Talbot say that concern for his wellbeing is what keeps them at their computers during the work day. "He always posts something like 'Today is good,'" one of his friends says, "Which makes me think, well, maybe there's a possibility of something going horribly awry. What else could be the point of that kind of post? It's got me on edge!"

Dr. Rand Larson, a psychologist with the Chicago Institute for Social Media, has suggested these kinds of updates are usually little more than a cry for attention. "When the average user posts this kind of update on social media, it suggests he has no friends in the immediate vicinity or available via text message to talk to, so he is, in a sense, calling out to anyone who will listen."

In Brian's case, there are at least four friends listening. And they want more.

"Will his day remain good?" they ask, "Or will it crumble into shambles after his workload overtakes his ability to cope and forces him to reach unhealthy stress levels?"

More on this story as Talbot continues to report in.

10/5/15

Duck Sues Disney World for Performance Income

ORLANDO, FL -- According to a duck's legal representative, the duck has been performing for five years in Disney World's Epcot Center and has seen little more than scraps of bread from guests as compensation. The duck regularly entertains guests as a pre-show warmup to the nightly IllumiNations fireworks show. He and his wife allegedly bring home barely enough scrap food for them and their five ducklings to survive.

"The fact is that the Disney company has been benefiting from this duck's talent for years without giving any second thought to compensation," said the duck's lawyer, "It's my understanding that they believed the scraps of food he was receiving were enough, but that is hardly a livable wage."

A spokesperson for the Walt Disney Company maintained that they do not hire ducks for pre-show warmups. "No contract was signed, there was no hiring process. You can't just show up at Disney World, waddle around for a few hours and expect to be paid."

"Now we really have a case," the duck's lawyer responded, "As we all know, cartoons were originally pre-show warmups to feature films. Disney has employed a duck in this capacity for well over 80 years."

According to the duck's legal representative, he should be entitled to up to $14,000 in back payments and $12 per hour moving forward.

9/15/15

Local Man Declines to Look at What He Stepped On

HOLLYWOOD, FL -- Maintaining a veneer of apathy, Florida resident, Brett Bartow, said yesterday that he believed he might have stepped on something, but declined to see what it was.

"It felt kind of squishy," he said, rubbing his shoe against the ground, "It might be something gross. I hope it wasn't living, like a lizard or something. I'd just rather not know."

Bartow last purchased a new pair of shoes in 2010 when his last pair started tearing around the heel. His plan was to wait another couple of months before purchasing a new pair, but recent events may have convinced him to push up that deadline.

Witnesses say they were unable to confirm that he had actually stepped on something, leading speculators to believe that he had carried it away with him.

"It's really disheartening," Bartow said of the incident, "I loved these shoes with all of my sole."

Yes, I know I'm ripping off the writing style of The Onion, that's kind of the point.

9/8/15

Local Man Unable to Decide How to Address Women

NOVELTY, WA -- Edward Vonn was struck the other day by a realization he never thought he would have to face. While recounting a story about meeting Jane Randall to his friends, he was unable to think of an appropriate noun by which to address her.

"'Woman' sounds so formal," he explained, "as if we were having a business meeting and she was older, but we weren't; it was just a simple coffee date and she was 25. 'Lady' sounds even more formal than that; as if she's some old-style rich aristocrat. But I can't call her 'girl,' because that's, like, degrading, or something, right? It's 'infantilization,' that's the word. And 'chick,' while appropriately casual, is dangerously objectifying. I just don't know."

Vonn went on to explain that his circle of female friends have been teaching him a lot about feminism and the oppression that women have been facing due to a variety of institutionalized behaviors such as the words men use to refer to them.

These friends were not available for comment.

Despite being confused about the proper word to use, Vonn remained confident in one choice he would never use. "Female. I can barely even get the word out of my mouth. I'm not going to talk about a woman or lady or girl or whatever and sound like a Ferengi. I just can't do it."

Yes, I know I'm ripping off the writing style of The Onion, that's kind of the point.

9/1/15

The Top 5 Most Highly Anticipated Movies According to This Guy

All of these "highly anticipated" movie claims often leave us wondering "highly anticipated by whom?" Well, we went right to the source of the American public and asked local Publix employee, Jeremy Harder, what movies he's looking forward to in 2016, and this is what he had to say.

5. Dirty Grampa

"I heard about this movie from my friend Jonathan. He said it's about a dirty old man played by that guy on [It's] Always Sunny [in Philadelphia] visiting Florida on vacation with Zac Effron. It should be really funny."

4. Ratchet and Clank

"I loved playing this game when I was a kid! I'm so stoked that they're going to make a movie out of it!"

3. Henchmen

"Like, haven't you ever wondered what it would be like to be a bad guy's henchman? I dunno, I just really love Minions, so this should be kinda similar, right?"

2. Zoolander 2

"My brother, Randy, recently showed me the first one and I really liked it. I'm excited to see where they can go with a second one."

1. Doctor Strange

"Benedict Cumberbatch is my hero! I will watch anything with him in it! I haven't even read the comics, but I don't care. This movie is going to be amazing!"

Harder reportedly highly anticipates many things besides just movies. For example, he highly anticipates getting a girlfriend soon, entering college, and eventually starting a career as a famous Hollywood director. More on those stories as they develop.

8/25/15

9 Things You Already Knew About Star Wars

1. Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's Father

Search your feelings, and the script; you know it to be true.

2. Hoth is Really, Really Cold

Did you know that Luke almost died in this frozen wasteland? That's kind of an important part of the plot.

3. Everyone Hates Jar Jar Binks

Everyone except for children, that is. Which is basically the same way everyone feels about the entire prequel trilogy. Lucas ruined prequels for everyone. Except children.

4. There's a New One Coming Out

Aren't you so excited about this one!? What do you think this bad guy is gonna be like? Is he gonna cut his own hand off with that lightsaber?

5. Yoda is Actually a Puppet in the Original Trilogy

And the guy who does his voice is the same guy who does Gonzo and Grover and Miss Piggy.

6. Star Wars Fans Have a Rivalry with Trekkies for Some Reason

Stop it. Just stop it. Can't we all live in galactic peace and harmony? Why does everything have to be a war?

7. Boba Fett is a Badass

And the thing he's most remembered for is being beat up and thrown into the Sarlaac pit.

8. The Star Wars Universe Includes Books and Video Games

Also, most of them no longer have any bearing on the Star Wars story at large. Well done, valiant authors!

9. Star Wars is Owned By Disney Now

It used to be that the franchise was not owned by a gigantic, sprawling empire that proudly features a huge, metallic globe in its property.

8/19/15

Man Proposes Conspiracy to Withhold Satisfaction from Complainers

In a press conference on Wednesday, Martin Bukowski revealed extensive research into seventy different technical support offices stating that many of the long, involved calls they received were all from the same people. Outliers from this statistic included people who called about a problem that was quickly and easily solved either by being fixed, refunded, or replaced.

Bukowski chose thirteen of the people who were involved in long, involved calls and found them to be constant complainers in everyday life whether they had received the wrong order at McDonald's, experienced back pain every morning, lost their parking space to another vehicle, or any number of a wide variety of difficult happenstances.

"It's not that these kinds of things never happen to other people," Bukowski explained, "it's just that these 13 people were the only ones who voiced complaints about it. The rest just took the hit and went on with their lives."

Bukowski went on to explain that complainers often called technical support offices for similar issues to everyone else, but ended up hitting various "dead ends" that no one else ever hit. He proposed that this was done willfully on the part of the technical support operatives and, possibly, everyone else who had ever given bad customer service to these complainers.

"It's part of a grand conspiracy," Bukowski said, "to harness the energy of these angry, uncomfortable people to feed their corporate masters and, in the process, teach them how futile their efforts are, making them docile and complicit, if depressed and disenfranchised, over time." He suggested that once a complainer has accepted the fact that they will never receive proper treatment, they stop interacting with humanity altogether, making life for the rest of the world more bearable.

Martin Bukowski's work will be peer reviewed and an official statement on its viability as a theory is expected to be released on Friday, providing none of the reviewers starts complaining that they have been unfairly represented within the study.

Yes, I know I'm ripping off the writing style of The Onion, that's kind of the point.

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