5/25/09

CAGE MATCH: Stargate vs. Star Trek

TWO EPISODES ENTER
ONE EPISODE WINS
Today's fight:
Star Trek: The Original Series, "The Paradise Syndrome"
vs.
Stargate SG-1, "A Hundred Days"




In this corner: STAR TREK: THE ORIGINAL SERIES
In season 3, Captain James T. Kirk, leader of the show's intrepid crew, investigates a planet which is in danger of being destroyed by an asteroid and admires the quaint, peaceful life of the natives. Through a series of unfortunate events, the captain is trapped on the planet while his main mode of stellar transportation is crippled by a confrontation with the asteroid. He is stuck on the planet for 58 days during which time he falls in love with one of the natives and becomes an important part of the simple, primitive society. His crew finally find their way back to the planet, and he is faced with the difficult decision to leave his lover behind, who is probably pregnant.

In this corner: STARGATE SG-1
In season 3, Colonel Jack O'Niell, leader of the show's intrepid crew, investigates a planet which is in danger of being destroyed by an asteroid and admires the quaint, peaceful life of the natives. Through a series of unfortunate events, the colonel is trapped on the planet while his main mode of stellar transportation is crippled by a confrontation with the asteroid. he is stuck on the planet for 100 days during which time he falls in love with one of the natives and becomes an important part of the simple, primitive society. His crew finally find their way back to the planet, and he is faced with the difficult decision to leave his lover behind, who is probably pregnant.

FIGHT!
SG-1 immediately gets a swing at Star Trek for giving their primitive society the dignity of understanding the fact that an asteroid could probably kill them all, but Star Trek quickly retaliates by punching SG-1's ornery old man who wouldn't trust a new chair to support his weight in the FACE! SG-1 puts a sleeper hold on Star Trek's testosterone-fueled, love-struck medicine man, and he... falls asleep! Because he's so boring! No wonder Miramanee prefers Kirk!

Wait a minute... wait a minute! Kirk doesn't seem to know where he is! He's bumbling around like an idiot! Waving his hands around in the air and... hugging himself!? I have to say, in all my minutes of broadcasting a cage match between two sci-fi shows, this is the weirdest thing I have seen! And I've seen several allies of earth fail to respond to a call for help within 100 days. C'mon, Thor! Your "great potential" is stuck on a planet without a working Stargate! And don't give me any of that Replicator crap!

Well, while Kirk is pretending to be the god of self-bear-hugs, O'Neill is sitting in the rocks resigning to his fate. Who could blame him when a hot chick like Laira asks him to forget Earth and give her a child? It looks like Star Trek will win this in the way that a goofy, mentally challenged, perhaps schitzophrenic fat kid wins a fight by jumping around and confusing his lethargic, resigned opponent. But wait! SG-1 finally gets up and punches the fat kid in the jaw! And the ACLU just sued him! AND HE PUNCHES OUT THE ACLU, TOO!!

Laira is not as utterly simplistic and primitively brain-dead as the natives of Kirk's planet. While she doesn't know what a walkie-talkie is, she can still figure out that the strange voices coming out of it are just a transmission of O'Neill's friend's voices! And she also has the kindness to report her findings to O'Neill. Because she loves him. And she only wants what will make him happy... I guess. O'Neill jumps up and finds Teal'c! He is saved!

After a long journey, the Enterprise returns to the primitive planet and Spock and McCoy beam down to find Kirk stoned unconscious and wearing a silly Native American outfit.

Now this is it. O'Neill and Teal'c vs. Kirk, Spock and McCoy! Spock and McCoy point their phasers at the Jaffa, but Teal'c takes his staff weapon, fires at Spock while simultaneously knocking the phaser out of McCoy's hand. He Zats McCoy and turns his attention to Kirk.

Kirk stares blankly at O'Neill and Teal'c. Miramanee comes out of nowhere and jumps in front of Kirk! Teal'c instinctively fires at her! Kirk's lover is dead! He cries out in agony!

O'Neill grabs a Zat'ni'katel and points it at Kirk's dramatic pose. "For cryin' out loud," he says as an electric beam fires from the weapon and knocks Kirk out cold!

It looks like SG-1 has won this one, folks! Come back next time for another...

CAGE MATCH!