7/14/09

Why G.I. Joe Will Suck

Spoiler Alert: G.I. Joe Rise of the Cobra is probably going to suck.

Reason 1: The makers of this film are already thinking about sequels. Just look at the full title and think to yourself, does anyone really care about an origin story? If this movie had been the pilot for the cartoon, it would have never become such an iconic show.

Reason 2: In the trailer there isn't even one shot of a member of cobra shooting blue lasers. The cartoon was nothing but cobra androids shooting blue lasers. Not that they ever hit anything, but still.

Reason 3: Accelerator suits.

Reason 4: Any part of the trailer which involves accelorator suits, i.e. Marlon Waynes inquiring exactly what they accelerate, or the part where two Joes wearing the accelerator suits dodge missles in what appears to be an audition tape for So You Think You Can Dance.

Reason 5: Channing Tatum. Best known for his role in the dance movie Step Up which may explain the previously mentioned accelerator suit scene. I think film makers only put him into guy movies as a ploy to get girlfriends to want to watch the movies too.
The following is a personal note to the producers: the one thing that would make this movie worth buying on DVD would be live action versions of the dubbed over G.I. Joe Public Service Announcements. Start thinking about it now because you'll want to film them soon... I'm not sure this movie will be in theatres for too long.
Scott