4/19/10

Velociraptor Awareness

Yesterday was Velociraptor Awareness Day and while the rest of the world went about their velociraptor unaware lives, I was busy educating the world on velociraptor facts. As a foremost expert on awesome, cinematically portrayed animals, I have compiled a list of 15 important things to remember when facing a velociraptor. Don't be caught with your pants down! We are all well aware of a dinosaur's ability to smash through porta-potties!
  1. Velociraptors can use tools with which to kill you. But they won't. Velociraptors are the smartest dinosaurs in existence and could easily craft a rudimentary killing tool to take the life of its prey, but observation has concluded that velociraptors take great pleasure in tearing his prey to shreds with its bare hands. And feet. And teeth. Make no mistake about it, a velociraptor is a very tactile being.
  2. A pack of velociraptors will surround and confuse its prey before killing it. The velociraptor who came up with this idea generally gets first choice in what meat he gets to eat. As the smartest dinosaurs on the block, they tend to reward intelligence, and this is one of the most intelligent things they have been known to do.
  3. "RAWR!" is dinosaur for "I love you!" This may seem like an insignificant fact, but when you've been cornered by any dinosaur, including a velociraptor, this little phrase may just save your life. Granted, a velociraptor is not known for his lovingkindness, but when all else fails, you can try to appeal to his heart.
  4. Velociraptors tend to have trouble disguising themselves as humans, however if you see a human with an abnormally large toe, DO NOT TRUST THEM! A distinguishing feature of a velociraptor is a large claw on each foot. This is the most difficult thing to fit in a human costume.
  5. Velociraptors never went extinct. They're just hiding... waiting for the perfect moment to strike.
  6. The closest relative to the velociraptor in the modern animal kingdom is the chicken. The main difference is that velociraptor cock fights tend to end in a beheading.
  7. Blood samples taken from a velociraptor saddle found strapped to a velociraptor fossil in Outer Mongolia suggest the Neanderthal that tried to ride it died ten years before the velociraptor did. Which, in turn, suggests that the velociraptor wore the saddle as a fashion accessory for ten years.
  8. Original concept drawings for Barney the Dinosaur featured a purple velociraptor in stead of what we know today as more of a T-Rex-inspired character. The only evidence of these concept drawings, however, were shredded alongside the similarly mangled remains of the concept artist.
  9. The large, sickle-shaped claw on each foot of a velociraptor is thought to have been used to jump, latch onto and ride its prey until it tires and dies. Velociraptors were the first rodeo riders.
  10. Despite their famous portrayal upon the big screen, a theater is no place to hide from a velociraptor. They can see clearly in the dark and will easily find you cowering in the uncomfortable theater seats.
  11. In a sub-aquatic battle with a shark, a velociraptor will first kill the nearest whale, grab a couple bones, suck out the marrow and stick the hollow tubes in its nose for use as a rudimentary breathing aparatus in preparation.
  12. A velociraptor always looks like he's smiling because he always knows something you don't.
  13. A velociraptor can leap a little farther than the average distance between your car and your front door. To be safe, park close, hold your keys between your knuckles and never leave the house.
  14. It's unconfirmed whether velociraptors can read English, but they have been known to look at a "Do Not Enter" sign and proceed to knock it over before completely ignoring it.
  15. Dont ever call a velociraptor a clever girl. They are actually quite sexist and will swipe your head off for suggesting that girls are clever. Very animalistic, I know. But what can I say? They're reptiles.
Keep all these things in mind and you will be safe. Remember, the best weapon against a velociraptor is your brain. Throw it at them and it will keep them occupied while you run.

EDIT 9/16/12
It has been two and a half years since I posted this and it's still on the top of the Popular Posts list. What's up with that? Don't you guys know I do Star Trek stuff, too?