8/19/11

Star Trek: Asterisk "The Communicator"

Vital Information
Series: Enterprise
Episdoe: S02E08
Air Date: November 13, 2002
Written by: AndrĂ© Bormanis
Directed by: James Contner

Premise
Reed, the disciplined son of an English Navyman who attempts to heighten crew discipline at every turn, accidentally leaves his communicator behind in a pre-warp civilization.

Review
I don't know if it was in the stuffy Englishman's contract not to appear glossy and half naked, but after coming back from an away mission, Reed, Archer and Hoshi are given the all-clear to skip the Sexy, Sexy Decon Chamber and head right on to taking their supplies back. They visited a pre-warp civilization, but were sure to disguise themselves so as not to break the yet-to-be-established Prime Directive. Ya know... that thing they were so concerned with figuring out in the first season.

Really, the season one finale did a fine job of wrapping up what they had figured out about the Prime Directive. A nice, cheesy speech by Archer and T'Pol was pretty clear on how they're not out there to play god, but they should keep exploring. And now, apparently, they want to creep as closely to the edge of breaking their own directive as possible by studying a pre-warp civilization and leaving behind an advanced communicator. So now they have to go back and pick up the communicator or else risk contaminating the pre-warp culture.

And guess what happens when they do...
This civilization is at around the American 1900's and is close to fighting a war. So when they find advanced technology, the first thought is obviously that it comes from an enemy spy. And when our intrepid heroes return for their technology, the soldiers trap them and lock them up, stealing the rest of the technology that they stupidly brought with.

Well, now they've made matters a thousand times worse. Trapped without the luxury of telling anyone the truth, and found to be of a different species, Reed and Archer are forced to tell their captors that they're spies with genetic enhancements and prototype weaponry.

Way to go, guys! In one fell swoop, you've given them a look at advanced technology and made them believe that their enemy is a step ahead of you! If they don't go into a cold war now, it'll be a full-blown war. A full-blown war set off by the crew of the Enterprise. You wanna know why we never heard of the NX-01 in Kirk's and Picard's day? Because Archer was considered a bumbling idiot.

Meanwhile, back on the ship, Trip as a plan to save Archer and Reed and it involves getting the cloak working on the Suliban ship they still have on board. This turns out to be the stupidest gag in the entire franchise. Really. Trip trips something up and ends up blasting his arm with a dose of... I dunno, cloaking powder?? His arm goes invisible! This is not how cloaking is supposed to work! The cloaking device is like a shield - you turn it on and off and it has a radius from the device. You don't pour some cloaking goop all over the ship and then wipe it off when you're done with it! And you most definitely shouldn't be able to pour that goop on your arm and have an invisible arm! This is the most infuriating event in all of Star Trek! Not just because it shouldn't technically be able to happen, but because there is no point to it whatsoever! Trip's arm goes invisible and they do nothing with that! They don't even use it to covertly point a weapon at their enemy!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU WRITERS?!
Trip's arm goes invisible and all that happens is Phlox takes a look at it, says it should be fine after a while, change your uniform and wear a glove and see me in the morning. Pointless. Absolutely frakking pointless.

Back on the planet, the aliens decide that since Archer and Reed claim to be enemy spies with genetic enhancements it shouldn't be a big problem to kill them and study their organs. Archer and Reed discuss among themselves and decide that it's better that they never tell the truth and die then lead this planet into a world war. Which is absolutely frakking crazy because they've already screwed everything up.
HERP DERP. IMMA DA KAPTIN!
Let me just finish up this review so I don't get any more enraged. T'Pol gets Trip and Mayweather to use the Suliban ship to go back to the planet, they save Archer and Reed, retrieve all their weapons, live happily ever after and learn a valuable lesson about ABSOLUTELY FRAKKING NOTHING.


Overall Thoughts
RRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!