3/14/14

How to Be In Two Places at Once

We've all been there, right? Too many items on our plate, hitting the ground running at 6am and there still aren't enough hours in the day. If only we could be in two places at once, we could get a whole lot more done. Well, according to Completely Unsubstantiated Science it's totally possible! You, too, could be sitting down at your office desk and driving the kids to school at the same time using quantum mechanics. Harnessing this natural law is easy if you follow these steps, but be forewarned: cat lovers need not proceed.

1. Proper Safety Gear

First of all, you should never take a step into the world of quantum mechanics without the proper safety gear. It's like regular mechanics where if you put your hand into a moving engine you'll end up with a torn up hand, except with quantum mechanics you end up with a torn up galaxy. Or just a miniature black hole in your bathroom. It's unclear. In any case, protect yourself! There's a completely simple way to protect yourself for this. You want the particles to collide with you, but not too hard. You want a substance surrounding you that's hard enough to hold its shape, but thin enough to let the splitting particles through. Cardboard works quite nicely. If you can get your hands on a refrigerator box, go ahead and open it, remove the refrigerator from inside, and place it over yourself. This should provide adequate protection.

2. The Setup

Now that you have your protection, it's time to set up your gear. What you'll need is a detection device, a flashlight, and a bar of pure uranium. Cut a hole in the box just the size of the end of the flashlight and tape the flashlight to the hole. Connect the flashlight to the detection device and place the bar of uranium next to the device. What you want to do is set the device to detect radiation from the uranium. When it detects radiation, it should turn on the flashlight. Once you have tested that this is the case, climb inside of the box. Don't worry, you'll be safe... I'm pretty sure.

3. The Split

Inside of the box, place yourself in a lotus position on the floor, close your eyes for a moment and concentrate. While it is dark, focus on going left. Tell yourself that when you see the light, you will go right. It's important now to relax, forget all of your worries, and let your busy agenda slip from your mind. Be calm. You may find it a good idea to chant a mantra. Once you have reached enlightenment, slowly open your eyes and look at the flashlight. If it is lit, exit the box and go right. If it's dark, exit the box and go left. You are now split. Because the light was simultaneously lit and dark, because quantum physics. You will observe one state, but be assured both states are true. Your other self will go off and do things, as long as you don't observe him.

4. Living With Your Double

Most important is to understand that your double is completely you. He knows everything you know, and you know everything he knows. I lied, that's not the most important thing. The most important thing is: DO NOT OBSERVE HIM. If you observe him, he will disappear. And if he observes you, you will disappear. In either case, you will be annihilating a living being, and you don't want to live with that on your hands. You can be assured, however, that he has the same goals as you, and will accomplish the same tasks you want accomplished. The difficult part will be divvying out tasks between the two of you. Since you can't observe him, you'll have to just know what he won't do, and do those things. If you end up at the same place to do the same thing, you'll observe yourself and annihilate. So, I mean, good luck living with those stresses.

5. Conclusion

So, now that you know how to be in two places at the same time, try not to brag about it to others. You may want to repeat the practice every morning of meditating inside of a refrigerator box just to be sure you can get everything done. Just take fifteen minutes out of your day to think about nothing, reassemble yourself, and split yourself again. You'll be glad you did, and you'll be surprised by how much you get done in a day! Or how much you fail to care about it. Either way, you'll walk away a new you!