3/12/14

How to Find a Mate on Mars

It's difficult enough to find a mate here on Earth. There are dozens of websites devoted to it, there are people who go to bars to do it, there are experts upon experts who give some sound advice on how to do it, and the divorce rate is still over 50% (I think; I mean, I haven't actually checked. What do you think this is? An actual informational article where I do "research"?). Anyway, if you feel like you've exhausted all of your options on Earth, there are several benefits to expanding your search to extra-planetary avenues. I know what you're thinking: "But, Steve! There's no life on Mars!" Well, that's what the government wants you to believe. And they're right. There is no life on Mars. But there are bevvies of alien beauties under Mars! And here's how you get them:

1. Transportation

First and foremost, you have to figure out a way to get there. But transporters are for the fantastically wealthy and shuttles can be so packed tighter than a sardine can. So, how do you beat the system? Use them both! Sure, personal transporters that would go as far as Mars are expensive, but public transporters only cost, like, $50 to get you anywhere in the world. But you don't want to go anywhere in the world, you want to go to Mars. So, get on your space suit, find the next shuttle launch, and hack into the public transporter's coordinate tracker to place you directly onto the exterior of the shuttle while it's launching! Once you're there, clinging onto the safety rails with every last inch of your life, the shuttle will detect a lifeform outside and open up the airlock. You can't get into the shuttle proper from there, since it can only be opened on the inside by a flight attendant, but you don't have to. Just ride out the rest of your trip in silence and comfort.

2. Finding the Local Haunts

Most Mars tourism takes place on the surface. Because that's the only place humans really know about. In order to find a Martian mate, you're going to have to go below. You may be wondering what the picture accompanying this blog post is. That is a picture taken by NASA recently of a hole in the surface of Mars. Holes like this exist all over. They were built by the Martians long ago when they knew their planet was going to dry up. Following these holes will lead you to a vast underground Martian civilization, and climbing into them is as easy as anchoring a rope to the surface. It's only, like, a twenty meter drop; you'll be fine.

Once you're down there, you'll find their world to be very similar to ours, except instead of a sky, they look up onto the roof of a cave. You can find fine dining, bars, clubs, all the same places you might find a mate on Earth. The biggest difference is the vastly different culture. You see, Martians would have taken over the galaxy long ago if they hadn't started burying their noses in their communication devices. They started becoming so entranced by social networks and video games and fancy toys that they forgot all about space travel and scientific pursuits.

3. Understanding the Local Customs

As a result of their scientific negligence, nowadays Martians mate virtually. Oh, you can still go to the clubs and bars and restaurants, but you won't find real Martians. You'll find avatars. Talking to these avatars (which are a combination of mechanical and holographic) is pretty much just like talking to the actual Martians, except they're prettier. It is a matter of deep trust on Mars to show anyone your true face. If you have a mind for computer engineering, you might be able to hack into one of these avatars and use it for your own purposes, but this is considered rude. Carry on a conversation with them as you would anyone. They'll understand because the avatars have universal translators. You might not, because lack of any real social contact has made most of them either shy or malicious. Find one of the shy ones, however, and you will be in complete control of the situation.

4. Making Your Move

So, you've found your shy avatar and wish to pursue it. The most important thing to do first is to make it clear that you are an actual flesh-and-blood being. This is a rarity and it will automatically make you intriguing to them. Also important is to ask questions. It can be difficult to read the face of an avatar, as they are expressly designed to hide a user's true face. If you're unsure if the avatar is responding positively to your advances, simply ask. If they answer in the affirmative, you've taken your first step toward establishing a meaningful relationship with a Martian. Congratulations!

Note: It is, indeed, possible to have sex with the avatar. If you're looking for a quick hookup, you may just take the avatar to one of the local hotels. This is, in fact, common in Martian culture. However, if you're looking for a more meaningful relationship, proceed as you would on Earth. Spend time with the avatar, do activities with the avatar, take part in the avatar's interests. If things go well, you can proceed to step 5.

5. Meeting the Body

Be prepared for a shock here. Meeting the real Martian behind the avatar can be overwhelming to some. Contrary to popular belief, Martians do look very similar to humans (as you will find out, so do the avatars), but if you are not prepared to meet a body that has been sitting at home, eating whatever tastes good, not showering, laying back in the avatar control unit and letting go of all social niceties, then you may want to end the relationship immediately. It can be a difficult adjustment, but just remember that this is the same person that you have been getting to know through the avatar. That they allowed you into their avatar control room, as I have said, is a matter of deep trust and love. You may not like what you see, but because you are seeing it, it means that they love you. It's at this point that you must make a decision: whether you can live with whatever body you have been presented, or not.

Remember that this body, the Martian's true self, is unlikely to ever change. They may promise to exercise and take care of themselves now that they have a reason to, but the non-social nature of Martian culture is so deeply ingrained, it will be easy for them to slip back into their old habits. You may make an agreement to interact solely through avatars. If this is acceptable to you, then godspeed, but many find it unnerving in the long term.

6. Breaking Up

It's inevitable that many relationships made on Mars are not going to last. Breaking up with a Martian, though unfortunate, is quite easy. Simply climb back up out of the hole, find a ride back to Earth, and you will never see them again. After all, what are they going to do? Invade? They don't even have space ships.