11/9/15

Green Onion: Graphic Designers Outraged at Starbucks's Minimalistic Holiday Cup Design

SEATTLE, WA -- On November 1st, Starbucks introduced a new line of holiday cups that have people seeing red. And that's it. Just red.

Aside from the regular Starbucks Logo and a registered trademark notation, these cups have no mention of or reference to Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, or any other seasonal holiday. And some graphic designers have expressed fatigue with the tired design choice.

10/30/15

Green Onion: Local Man Uses Social Media to Update Friends on Progress and Quality of Day

LITTLEROCK, IL -- They wait with bated breath as they hit refresh on their Facebook feeds.

Friends of local man, Brian Talbot, have been begging for more information since he posted a message at 10:43 am saying "Today has been good so far. We'll see if that continues to be the case. My work load may or may not double."

10/5/15

Green Onion: Duck Sues Disney World for Performance Income

ORLANDO, FL -- According to a duck's legal representative, the duck has been performing for five years in Disney World's Epcot Center and has seen little more than scraps of bread from guests as compensation. The duck regularly entertains guests as a pre-show warmup to the nightly IllumiNations fireworks show. He and his wife allegedly bring home barely enough scrap food for them and their five ducklings to survive.

9/15/15

Green Onion: Local Man Declines to Look at What He Stepped On

HOLLYWOOD, FL -- Maintaining a veneer of apathy, Florida resident, Brett Bartow, said yesterday that he believed he might have stepped on something, but declined to see what it was.

"It felt kind of squishy," he said, rubbing his shoe against the ground, "It might be something gross. I hope it wasn't living, like a lizard or something. I'd just rather not know."

9/8/15

Green Onion: Local Man Unable to Decide How to Address Women

NOVELTY, WA -- Edward Vonn was struck the other day by a realization he never thought he would have to face. While recounting a story about meeting Jane Randall to his friends, he was unable to think of an appropriate noun by which to address her.

"'Woman' sounds so formal," he explained, "as if we were having a business meeting and she was older, but we weren't; it was just a simple coffee date and she was 25. 'Lady' sounds even more formal than that; as if she's some old-style rich aristocrat. But I can't call her 'girl,' because that's, like, degrading, or something, right? It's 'infantilization,' that's the word. And 'chick,' while appropriately casual, is dangerously objectifying. I just don't know."

9/1/15

Green Onion: The Top 5 Most Highly Anticipated Movies According to This Guy

All of these "highly anticipated" movie claims often leave us wondering "highly anticipated by whom?" Well, we went right to the source of the American public and asked local Publix employee, Jeremy Harder, what movies he's looking forward to in 2016, and this is what he had to say.

8/25/15

9 Things You Already Knew About Star Wars

1. Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's Father

Search your feelings, and the script; you know it to be true.

8/19/15

Green Onion: Man Proposes Conspiracy to Withhold Satisfaction from Complainers

In a press conference on Wednesday, Martin Bukowski revealed extensive research into seventy different technical support offices stating that many of the long, involved calls they received were all from the same people. Outliers from this statistic included people who called about a problem that was quickly and easily solved either by being fixed, refunded, or replaced.

8/17/15

Green Onion: Local Karaoke Singer Forgets Words to "Sweet Caroline"

The sacred art of karaoke was disgraced last Friday when local artist, Reggie Wang, experienced a complete brain failure while on stage singing the most anticipated song of the evening, "Sweet Caroline."

Onlookers were excited to sing along with the man who was swaying and bobbing in a clearly drunken manner after the lyrics screen malfunctioned. "I kind of expected the verses to be a little off," explained one audience member, "No one knows those words, anyway. But when he got to the chorus, that's when the [expletive deleted] hit the fan."

Wang had been mumbling along incoherently to the words of the first verse before the music picked up and, according to witnesses, his face "went completely blank," and then "expressed horrified shock."

Unsignalled by the titular words of the song, audience members were caught off guard, and left in a drunken, confused stupor when it came time for them to join in and vocalize with the brass section. Investigators attribute this phenomenon to Pavlovian theory. "Ivan Pavlov," explained Dr. Richard Alvin, "conducted several tests in which he rang a bell that caused dogs to salivate since he had taught them that they got fed when the bell rang. The bell in this case is the words 'sweet Caroline,' and the saliva is 'DAH DAH DAAAAHH!' Without the bell, there was no saliva."

The music continued, but by the end of the instrumentation, half the karaoke bar's patronage had left, and the rest had started conversations with other patrons about how Neil Diamond was rolling in his grave. Karaoke that night was reported to be not so good. So good. So good. So good.

Yes, I know I'm ripping off the writing style of The Onion, that's kind of the point.

8/11/15

Green Onion: Idiot Journalist Completely Misrepresents Google Restructuring

In an article about the restructuring of Internet giant, Google, into a parent company, Alphabet, with Google its child, Internet "journalist" and frequent 4chan commenter, John Tolish, remarked that Google was "out of ideas," and "about to die."

As you may have already heard, Larry Page and Sergey Brin, former CEOs of Google, started a new parent company, Alphabet, with an eye toward expanding their reach beyond what Google's core mission could provide. Essentially, Google remains untouched, it just has a new daddy.

What fingernail biter, John Tolish, failed to understand was that this restructuring has minimal impact on the day-to-day business of Google, rather it allows Page and Brin to invest in a vast variety of projects, including Google.

When reached for comment, Tolish avoided the first two calls and then answered the third time with an exasperated sigh. "Look," he said, "the Internet runs at a fast pace. I had to get my article out quick. I may have overlooked a few details. Leave me alone."

Spectators are wondering whether Tolish will continue to call himself a journalist, or if he will disappear into his room and play League of Legends for the rest of his life.

8/9/15

Green Onion: Local Woman Asks for Juicy Details of Best Friend's Breakup

Waiting on her cell phone to receive the last bit of details involved in a recent relational discontinuation, local woman, Betsy Riley, danced with anticipation admitting that hearing about the event that shattered best friend, Laura Bitterman, was almost as fun as experiencing it herself.

"Call me a hopeless romantic," Riley said between biting the end of a pen through her smile, "but I just can't get enough of the truly essential parts of a good romance story! The first kiss, the first night over, the wedding plans, the eventual breakup; it's a smorgasbord of emotions!"

Recent studies have suggested that Betsy Riley is sustained by the emotions of others as she is unable to produce these feelings in herself. "It's not uncommon," a researcher from Florida State University said, "for some people to grow an attachment to their friends and ask for details about their life because they genuinely care about their friends' well-being. In Miss Riley's case, however, it's widely believed that she's just being a bitch."

Laura Bitterman was unavailable for comment as she was sobbing incoherently into her cell phone receiver.

7/24/15

Green Onion: Man Keeps Lights Off While Girlfriend Away

Sitting on his IKEA couch that was as black as the room around him, Jason Donovan, a 33-year-old car wash salesman, claimed to have been struck with the idea of saving money on electricity during the interim moments while his girlfriend, 26-year-old Julie Nygard, stayed at her parent's place to "work some things out."

"I don't think it's depressing at all," Jason said, before he threw back the last swig of beer in the bottle he had been nursing and deftly opened a third one. "With all the little LEDs from the electronics around it kinda reminds me of Christmas."

Jason remains in complete denial that his relationship is in a downward spiral and that the darkness of his home is a reflection of his subconscious feelings. "It's all going to work out," he assured researchers, "and while it does, I don't mind keeping it dark in here. It's both relaxing and cool."

Sources close to the couple claim that Donovan's relationship with Julie Nygard had been on the rocks for at least the past month when Nygard confided that she had gotten back in contact with one of her ex-boyfriends. "I'm not saying they're hooking up physically," sources conjectured, "but emotionally? Now, that's a whole 'nother (sic) thing..."

Meanwhile, Donovan remains convinced that a 30-60 cent decrease in his electric bill is worth the possibility of tripping over the errant shoe and the comfort of not having to look at things that remind him of Nygard.

3/3/15

Spock is Not Dead

Art by Richard67915
It's taken a while to compose myself. Leonard Nimoy passed away Friday... I watched The Wrath of Khan that night and bawled my eyes out. I wore a black shirt and blue Star Trek socks the next day to mourn, and all the while read posts from regular fans and celebrities alike that remembered the man who brought us the first and arguably the best Vulcan that ever existed. Mr. Nimoy was responsible for many different pieces of art including roles in non-Trek movies and a wonderful photography career.

2/20/15

Variables Make Life Work

Should I do it?

For the vast majority of my life I had been paralyzed by a fear of trying anything new. I think it might have been partially due to the fact that I moved around so much. I lived in so many different places that I needed some kind of grounding; something constant. Don't make me eat Chinese food, I've had macaroni and cheese my whole life and I'm not about to stop! That all changed when I started to set down roots in the Tampa Bay area. I realized I was missing a lot, so I branched out. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. But sometimes I'm still plagued by insecurity when I get a great new idea. Is it really that great? Am I missing something that's gonna screw someone else down the line if I change the status quo? It's taken me a while, but I'm getting quicker and quicker at saying Yes. Yes, I should do it.

1/11/15

The Kirk vs. Picard Conundrum

No. Just no. No more. Do not do this anymore. Do not try to lift one character up at the expense of another. You have a favorite captain? That's great. Go and love your captain with all your heart. But don't make it sound like the other one sucks just because you like the other. When you start to take sides, a false dichotomy appears which applies to so many other things in life besides starship captains. So when I say "don't fight about captains," I really mean, "don't give in to tribalism."