7/24/15

Green Onion: Man Keeps Lights Off While Girlfriend Away

Sitting on his IKEA couch that was as black as the room around him, Jason Donovan, a 33-year-old car wash salesman, claimed to have been struck with the idea of saving money on electricity during the interim moments while his girlfriend, 26-year-old Julie Nygard, stayed at her parent's place to "work some things out."

"I don't think it's depressing at all," Jason said, before he threw back the last swig of beer in the bottle he had been nursing and deftly opened a third one. "With all the little LEDs from the electronics around it kinda reminds me of Christmas."

Jason remains in complete denial that his relationship is in a downward spiral and that the darkness of his home is a reflection of his subconscious feelings. "It's all going to work out," he assured researchers, "and while it does, I don't mind keeping it dark in here. It's both relaxing and cool."

Sources close to the couple claim that Donovan's relationship with Julie Nygard had been on the rocks for at least the past month when Nygard confided that she had gotten back in contact with one of her ex-boyfriends. "I'm not saying they're hooking up physically," sources conjectured, "but emotionally? Now, that's a whole 'nother (sic) thing..."

Meanwhile, Donovan remains convinced that a 30-60 cent decrease in his electric bill is worth the possibility of tripping over the errant shoe and the comfort of not having to look at things that remind him of Nygard.