8/25/15

9 Things You Already Knew About Star Wars

1. Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's Father

Search your feelings, and the script; you know it to be true.

8/19/15

Green Onion: Man Proposes Conspiracy to Withhold Satisfaction from Complainers

In a press conference on Wednesday, Martin Bukowski revealed extensive research into seventy different technical support offices stating that many of the long, involved calls they received were all from the same people. Outliers from this statistic included people who called about a problem that was quickly and easily solved either by being fixed, refunded, or replaced.

8/17/15

Green Onion: Local Karaoke Singer Forgets Words to "Sweet Caroline"

The sacred art of karaoke was disgraced last Friday when local artist, Reggie Wang, experienced a complete brain failure while on stage singing the most anticipated song of the evening, "Sweet Caroline."

Onlookers were excited to sing along with the man who was swaying and bobbing in a clearly drunken manner after the lyrics screen malfunctioned. "I kind of expected the verses to be a little off," explained one audience member, "No one knows those words, anyway. But when he got to the chorus, that's when the [expletive deleted] hit the fan."

Wang had been mumbling along incoherently to the words of the first verse before the music picked up and, according to witnesses, his face "went completely blank," and then "expressed horrified shock."

Unsignalled by the titular words of the song, audience members were caught off guard, and left in a drunken, confused stupor when it came time for them to join in and vocalize with the brass section. Investigators attribute this phenomenon to Pavlovian theory. "Ivan Pavlov," explained Dr. Richard Alvin, "conducted several tests in which he rang a bell that caused dogs to salivate since he had taught them that they got fed when the bell rang. The bell in this case is the words 'sweet Caroline,' and the saliva is 'DAH DAH DAAAAHH!' Without the bell, there was no saliva."

The music continued, but by the end of the instrumentation, half the karaoke bar's patronage had left, and the rest had started conversations with other patrons about how Neil Diamond was rolling in his grave. Karaoke that night was reported to be not so good. So good. So good. So good.

Yes, I know I'm ripping off the writing style of The Onion, that's kind of the point.

8/11/15

Green Onion: Idiot Journalist Completely Misrepresents Google Restructuring

In an article about the restructuring of Internet giant, Google, into a parent company, Alphabet, with Google its child, Internet "journalist" and frequent 4chan commenter, John Tolish, remarked that Google was "out of ideas," and "about to die."

As you may have already heard, Larry Page and Sergey Brin, former CEOs of Google, started a new parent company, Alphabet, with an eye toward expanding their reach beyond what Google's core mission could provide. Essentially, Google remains untouched, it just has a new daddy.

What fingernail biter, John Tolish, failed to understand was that this restructuring has minimal impact on the day-to-day business of Google, rather it allows Page and Brin to invest in a vast variety of projects, including Google.

When reached for comment, Tolish avoided the first two calls and then answered the third time with an exasperated sigh. "Look," he said, "the Internet runs at a fast pace. I had to get my article out quick. I may have overlooked a few details. Leave me alone."

Spectators are wondering whether Tolish will continue to call himself a journalist, or if he will disappear into his room and play League of Legends for the rest of his life.

8/9/15

Green Onion: Local Woman Asks for Juicy Details of Best Friend's Breakup

Waiting on her cell phone to receive the last bit of details involved in a recent relational discontinuation, local woman, Betsy Riley, danced with anticipation admitting that hearing about the event that shattered best friend, Laura Bitterman, was almost as fun as experiencing it herself.

"Call me a hopeless romantic," Riley said between biting the end of a pen through her smile, "but I just can't get enough of the truly essential parts of a good romance story! The first kiss, the first night over, the wedding plans, the eventual breakup; it's a smorgasbord of emotions!"

Recent studies have suggested that Betsy Riley is sustained by the emotions of others as she is unable to produce these feelings in herself. "It's not uncommon," a researcher from Florida State University said, "for some people to grow an attachment to their friends and ask for details about their life because they genuinely care about their friends' well-being. In Miss Riley's case, however, it's widely believed that she's just being a bitch."

Laura Bitterman was unavailable for comment as she was sobbing incoherently into her cell phone receiver.