8/11/15

Green Onion: Idiot Journalist Completely Misrepresents Google Restructuring

In an article about the restructuring of Internet giant, Google, into a parent company, Alphabet, with Google its child, Internet "journalist" and frequent 4chan commenter, John Tolish, remarked that Google was "out of ideas," and "about to die."

As you may have already heard, Larry Page and Sergey Brin, former CEOs of Google, started a new parent company, Alphabet, with an eye toward expanding their reach beyond what Google's core mission could provide. Essentially, Google remains untouched, it just has a new daddy.

What fingernail biter, John Tolish, failed to understand was that this restructuring has minimal impact on the day-to-day business of Google, rather it allows Page and Brin to invest in a vast variety of projects, including Google.

When reached for comment, Tolish avoided the first two calls and then answered the third time with an exasperated sigh. "Look," he said, "the Internet runs at a fast pace. I had to get my article out quick. I may have overlooked a few details. Leave me alone."

Spectators are wondering whether Tolish will continue to call himself a journalist, or if he will disappear into his room and play League of Legends for the rest of his life.