8/17/15

Green Onion: Local Karaoke Singer Forgets Words to "Sweet Caroline"

The sacred art of karaoke was disgraced last Friday when local artist, Reggie Wang, experienced a complete brain failure while on stage singing the most anticipated song of the evening, "Sweet Caroline."

Onlookers were excited to sing along with the man who was swaying and bobbing in a clearly drunken manner after the lyrics screen malfunctioned. "I kind of expected the verses to be a little off," explained one audience member, "No one knows those words, anyway. But when he got to the chorus, that's when the [expletive deleted] hit the fan."

Wang had been mumbling along incoherently to the words of the first verse before the music picked up and, according to witnesses, his face "went completely blank," and then "expressed horrified shock."

Unsignalled by the titular words of the song, audience members were caught off guard, and left in a drunken, confused stupor when it came time for them to join in and vocalize with the brass section. Investigators attribute this phenomenon to Pavlovian theory. "Ivan Pavlov," explained Dr. Richard Alvin, "conducted several tests in which he rang a bell that caused dogs to salivate since he had taught them that they got fed when the bell rang. The bell in this case is the words 'sweet Caroline,' and the saliva is 'DAH DAH DAAAAHH!' Without the bell, there was no saliva."

The music continued, but by the end of the instrumentation, half the karaoke bar's patronage had left, and the rest had started conversations with other patrons about how Neil Diamond was rolling in his grave. Karaoke that night was reported to be not so good. So good. So good. So good.

Yes, I know I'm ripping off the writing style of The Onion, that's kind of the point.