8/9/15

Green Onion: Local Woman Asks for Juicy Details of Best Friend's Breakup

Waiting on her cell phone to receive the last bit of details involved in a recent relational discontinuation, local woman, Betsy Riley, danced with anticipation admitting that hearing about the event that shattered best friend, Laura Bitterman, was almost as fun as experiencing it herself.

"Call me a hopeless romantic," Riley said between biting the end of a pen through her smile, "but I just can't get enough of the truly essential parts of a good romance story! The first kiss, the first night over, the wedding plans, the eventual breakup; it's a smorgasbord of emotions!"

Recent studies have suggested that Betsy Riley is sustained by the emotions of others as she is unable to produce these feelings in herself. "It's not uncommon," a researcher from Florida State University said, "for some people to grow an attachment to their friends and ask for details about their life because they genuinely care about their friends' well-being. In Miss Riley's case, however, it's widely believed that she's just being a bitch."

Laura Bitterman was unavailable for comment as she was sobbing incoherently into her cell phone receiver.