9/15/15

Green Onion: Local Man Declines to Look at What He Stepped On

HOLLYWOOD, FL -- Maintaining a veneer of apathy, Florida resident, Brett Bartow, said yesterday that he believed he might have stepped on something, but declined to see what it was.

"It felt kind of squishy," he said, rubbing his shoe against the ground, "It might be something gross. I hope it wasn't living, like a lizard or something. I'd just rather not know."

9/8/15

Green Onion: Local Man Unable to Decide How to Address Women

NOVELTY, WA -- Edward Vonn was struck the other day by a realization he never thought he would have to face. While recounting a story about meeting Jane Randall to his friends, he was unable to think of an appropriate noun by which to address her.

"'Woman' sounds so formal," he explained, "as if we were having a business meeting and she was older, but we weren't; it was just a simple coffee date and she was 25. 'Lady' sounds even more formal than that; as if she's some old-style rich aristocrat. But I can't call her 'girl,' because that's, like, degrading, or something, right? It's 'infantilization,' that's the word. And 'chick,' while appropriately casual, is dangerously objectifying. I just don't know."

9/1/15

Green Onion: The Top 5 Most Highly Anticipated Movies According to This Guy

All of these "highly anticipated" movie claims often leave us wondering "highly anticipated by whom?" Well, we went right to the source of the American public and asked local Publix employee, Jeremy Harder, what movies he's looking forward to in 2016, and this is what he had to say.