9/15/15

Green Onion: Local Man Declines to Look at What He Stepped On

HOLLYWOOD, FL -- Maintaining a veneer of apathy, Florida resident, Brett Bartow, said yesterday that he believed he might have stepped on something, but declined to see what it was.

"It felt kind of squishy," he said, rubbing his shoe against the ground, "It might be something gross. I hope it wasn't living, like a lizard or something. I'd just rather not know."

Bartow last purchased a new pair of shoes in 2010 when his last pair started tearing around the heel. His plan was to wait another couple of months before purchasing a new pair, but recent events may have convinced him to push up that deadline.

Witnesses say they were unable to confirm that he had actually stepped on something, leading speculators to believe that he had carried it away with him.

"It's really disheartening," Bartow said of the incident, "I loved these shoes with all of my sole."