9/8/15

Green Onion: Local Man Unable to Decide How to Address Women

NOVELTY, WA -- Edward Vonn was struck the other day by a realization he never thought he would have to face. While recounting a story about meeting Jane Randall to his friends, he was unable to think of an appropriate noun by which to address her.

"'Woman' sounds so formal," he explained, "as if we were having a business meeting and she was older, but we weren't; it was just a simple coffee date and she was 25. 'Lady' sounds even more formal than that; as if she's some old-style rich aristocrat. But I can't call her 'girl,' because that's, like, degrading, or something, right? It's 'infantilization,' that's the word. And 'chick,' while appropriately casual, is dangerously objectifying. I just don't know."

Vonn went on to explain that his circle of female friends have been teaching him a lot about feminism and the oppression that women have been facing due to a variety of institutionalized behaviors such as the words men use to refer to them.

These friends were not available for comment.

Despite being confused about the proper word to use, Vonn remained confident in one choice he would never use. "Female. I can barely even get the word out of my mouth. I'm not going to talk about a woman or lady or girl or whatever and sound like a Ferengi. I just can't do it."