8/30/16

How To Make a Genuine Connection With a Woman Without Being a Douchenozzle


Okay, straight guys, I get it. You want to be with a woman. It's a biological imperative, or whatever. And you look at your peer who seems to have a new woman each week and think "Why can't I be as cool as he is?" Well, here are a couple reasons: 1) You have this cool thing called empathy. 2) He is not cool. He treats women like a level in a video game that's only good for one play-through. Once he's completed that level, he's on to the next. He is a douchenozzle.

Let me just make a wild guess and say that you, dear straight male reader, are a genuinely good guy who just wants to feel the warmth of a loving relationship. Okay, yeah, preferably with a woman who's heart-stoppingly beautiful, but the real goal is a girlfriend, not a conquest. Okay, so what's the real problem here? The problem is that when you seek advice for getting a girlfriend, the guys who are into conquest get confused and think you're talking to them and then you, not knowing any better, listen. And because these douchenozzles tend to have the loudest voices, they seem right. Here's a hint:

THEY'RE NOT.

They're looking for the instant gratification that comes with a one night stand without any thought given to the day after. They're looking for a woman they can control. One who doesn't have the self esteem to realize that she has every bit of a right to exist as he does. And the sad thing is that they think if they can find a woman who can put up with him for more than a few dates, that makes her a girlfriend. It doesn't. It makes her his sex slave. So when you say, "I really want a girlfriend," what they're hearing is, "I really want a sex slave," and they have all kinds of advice for you on how to get a sex slave, but that's not what you asked for. You want a girlfriend. Because you're not a douchenozzle, and you don't intend to become one.

So here are a few things to keep in mind when interacting with women.

1. Just Because You Want Does Not Mean You Can Have

This is probably the most important piece of advice I can give you for anything. There are plenty of other circumstances under which this may not be true, for example: eating dessert before dinner, buying a video game, swimming in a pool filled with Jell-O. However, there is one common thread in these things that you CAN have if you really want that's not true for women: They are all things. A woman is not a thing. A woman is a person. And just like any other person, if you want her in your life, you need to treat her like a person

This idea of not having what you want is just something you have to come to terms with and be zen about. If you set your sights on a woman and she turns you down, you just have to let the moment pass and move on. If you continue to pursue her against her wishes, you are a douchenozzle. If she wants you to continue pursuing her while she continues turning you down, she is a douchenozzle and you don't actually want her for a girlfriend.

2. The Friend Zone is Awesome

So you showed interest in a woman and she put you in the friend zone? That's great! We should always be thankful to have more friends! Friends are what make the world go 'round! Friendship is magic! You know what would really suck? If you wanted to be friends (JUST FRIENDS!) with someone and they ended up being bitter about that. Can you imagine the earth-shattering ego on the douchenozzle that would be bitter about having a new friend?

3. They've Heard It All Before

Unfortunately, there are a whole lot of douchenozzles out there. And even more unfortunately, their hubris has extended to pretty much every woman you could ever encounter. If you meet a woman who is even just mildly attractive, chances are she's heard a cat call, a whistle, a pick-up line, or a disingenuous compliment at least once or twice already that day. So, if you want to stand out from the crowd and not be a douchenozzle, don't do these things.

4. Most Places Are Not Social Settings

If you're at the grocery store, it's not appropriate to spark up a random conversation with the woman in your isle. If you're at a restaurant, it's not appropriate to hit on the waitress. If you're walking down the street, it's not appropriate to tap a strange woman on the shoulder. If you see a woman wearing headphones, it's not appropriate to talk to her. Don't even think about making any kind of connection with a woman unless you've just met at a party or at a social function or meet-up group or any time that the purpose or one of the purposes of the gathering is actually to meet people. Now, yes, okay, sometimes there are those serendipitous moments two star-crossed lovers meet in the grocery isle and it's love at first sight. I'm not a total grouch, those things can happen. But don't count on it! Don't make it happen. It's not appropriate, it's not genuine, and it will not endear you to her. It just makes you a douchenozzle.

5. You Have Control Over Your Body

"But Steve," I hear you say, "I can't control having feelings for a woman!" What kind of weak, contemptible pissant are you that you can't control your own feelings? You can control when you cry, you can control when you're affectionate, you can control your bladder, but you can't control your lust?? And, yeah, that's what it is, lust, because you haven't known this woman long enough for it to turn into love, and even if you have, you should still suck it up and pull yourself together, because She's Just Not That Into You. I know I'm being harsh here, and I know there are some physical conditions that might preclude some from actually controlling their impulses, but those aren't who I'm talking to here. I'm talking to the emotionally stunted man-babies who learned in high school to shut up about topics that they loved when they were embarrassing to the rest of the crowd, but didn't learn to shut up when a girl ignored them. I'm talking to the coccoon-hating caterpillars who would swear to keep a secret to their grave, but won't keep decorum around an attractive woman. Of course you can control your feelings for a woman! What's the alternative? Dating a woman who really doesn't care for you? What kind of happily-ever-after is that?? If you have to go rub one out, go rub one out, but that's not her problem, douchenozzle.

6. Women Are People, Too

Seriously, for the love of all the things, if you take nothing else away from this post, take this point away: Before you approach a woman, however you decide to do it, think about a woman you find plain, unattractive, or uninteresting approaching you the same way. If you wouldn't like it, don't do it. Putting yourself in her shoes means treating her like the person you know yourself to be; a person you can be friends with without undressing them with your eyes. A good friendship can be a million times more valuable than a girlfriend, and why in all the seven hells would you throw away that friendship opportunity just because it couldn't be anything more? A woman shouldn't have to feel weird about turning you down because it'll affect your friendship. She should be able to just say no, and the two of you can go out for drinks with your squad the next day. If you're attracted to someone and she's attracted to you, it'll all fall into place, trust me. And if one party is interested while the other is not, then that's not the kind of relationship you want to pursue. That's what treating women like people is all about. No expectations, no plotting, no "strategy;" it's not a game to win, it's a relationship (whether a friendly relationship or something more) to maintain with love, acceptance, understanding, and respect.

Treating women like the people they are also means letting them wear what they want to wear and like what they want to like without any criticism or any blame for male actions. Can you imagine if someone punched you in the face and then blamed you for having a punchable face? That's what it's like when you aggravate or victimize a woman and then blame her for being beautiful. If you do this, kindly place yourself in the nearest bin, douchenozzle.