9/16/16

Green Onion: Ape Counsel Grants Harambe Full Sainthood

Following the death of the beloved gorilla, Harambe, many apes were left reeling at the decision by the Ape Counsel to stay the execution of the human responsible. Although the Ape Counsel remains unmoved on this decision, it has decided to grant sainthood to Harambe due to his many good works in the Ape community.

"Harambe was an Ape of the people," said Bongo, head of the Ape Counsel. "He performed many good deeds in the name of the gods, and never flung his excrement at anyone who didn't deserve it. It's unfortunate that we will never know the true reason for his encounter with a human child on the day he died, though it was suspected that he had important information to impart."

Similar to Catholic sainthood, the requirements for being canonized under the Ape Counsel are the commission of at least two miracles, and at least one of the following: Evidence of an exemplary life, a heroic death, or major conversion of the heart from evil to good. Harambe is said to have provided bananas out of thin air when the zoo staff ran out, and healed a human boy's broken fingers. His death was considered to be sacrificial.

Although the heroism of his death has been contested, there has been no disputation about his sainthood. The Ape Counsel voted unanimously to canonize Harambe and will be erecting a statue to that effect presently.